How do I get people off my back about not having contact with an abusive mother?

Updated Oct 21

These people are never going to change their attitude.

People who didn’t/don’t have abusive mothers all live in a fantasy world, where nobody has one. They all have a massive sense of entitlement to bully you to validate that fantasy. They will hate you for even possessing the information of how things really are.

All you can really expect from them is denial and victim-blaming. Forget about empathy.

Some are actually even more frightened and resentful when they figure out that you have legitimate reason for going no-contact.

In my experience, men almost never care about this, but a solid majority of women care, as if you were doing something to them personally.

I agree with some of the advice here about cutting these people out of your life, and/or shutting down the conversation, including by physically walking out of the room.

However, there will still be more people that you meet in life, who will start up with this. I have had coworkers, and even people I had just met pester me about this.

One trigger is if they learn that you have ever geographically relocated (e.g. you speak with a non-local accent). In addition to the usual bad attitudes from people who would be too small-minded and afraid to do that, some will immediately demand to know if you live in close proximity to your mother, and demand to know why not. The location issue (especially if you don’t go running “home” for frequent visits) can imply emotional independence, which most women never develop.

I also agree with the comment that this is similar to people (again, always women) who will resent you if you are single, childfree, and old enough that they realise you are going to stay that way. It is some of the same people, because they want everyone locked into the same restrictive LifeScript(TM) as themselves.

Perhaps the main things are:

  1. Be prepared for the rudeness to arise as early as the moment you meet someone, in any context.
  2. Listen for the keywords, “you have to”, and alternately, “you can’t”. These indicate that they don’t respect you or your right to make any adult decisions of any kind.
  3. If they start up with, “Why don’t you live near your mother?”, be prepared with, “Because I am adult who gets to make my own decisions”.
  4. If they say “parents”, they really just mean “mommy”.
  5. Another idea is to respond with a question. Ask them why the subject is important to them. They are the ones getting confrontational and/or harassing you, so they are the ones who should explain their actions. They will get nervous, and may treat you as if you are the one being rude.
  6. Never volunteer any information about your mother, or (lack of) relationship, unless the other person has already described similar experiences. If your mother was physically violent, telling people can be followed by responses that are borderline psychotic.

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