Updated Jun 26
There are two sides to this – mine and society’s.
My family of origin gave a great example of the misery and life-crushing that can be caused by getting married and having children. As a child myself, I figured out quite early that, I had zero obligation or intention of recycling that misery.
It was patently obvious that, marriage and children are optional, not required. Perhaps this was part of a more general understanding that, there isn’t just one life trajectory, situation, experience that everybody “has to” play out. I knew that people make choices, have values, have environments and circumstances, etc, which lead to very different paths.
Being a naive child, I assumed that that was patently obvious to everyone else. I also assumed that people took responsibility for their lives. And I assumed that other people simply wouldn’t care about how I lived my life, since it wasn’t going to affect them. I really didn’t anticipate how personally offended and threatened people get about things that have nothing to do with them.
Having a child would have been one of the worst things I could possibly have done. That child and I would both have suffered greatly. This fact is patently obvious to me.
Society’s attitude is very different.
As a general rule, men don’t care. Although I suppose a father who feels handcuffed by financial responsibilities might feel some envy. But generally, men don’t seem interested in whether I am married or have kids.
Women are a different deal. This is a really “hot-button” issue for many. I think the women who get most offended fall into two groups:
- They had an unplanned child. Or maybe multiple unplanned children. Even if they were totally consenting to the sex, and possibly negligent with contraception, and fully responsible for this, they still feel like passive victims of a bad event being inflicted upon them.
- They bought into the LifeScript(TM) that, being an adult automatically involves marriage and children. They failed to take personal responsibility for making a choice.
These women may follow an interpersonal script, where practically the first topic of conversation upon meeting, is to confirm parental status. Sometimes they will directly ask, and sometimes, they will go into a speech where they tell me about their kids (ages, boys/girls, etc), and then look expectantly for me to do the same.
I once had a bottom-of-the-barrel job in a female-dominated workplace. My coworkers were poor, and knew that I was poor. Some of them still acted like I owed them an explanation for the bizarre, confusing, and offensive act of not producing any impoverished children.
In another situation, an individual in her mid-20s had affluent parents, a breadwinning husband, and it was obvious that at least her first child had been unplanned (had gotten pregnant at 19 and then married the baby-daddy, and also had another kid). She had never held a job. Her parents and her in-laws were subsidising the couple and the kids. Her parents were paying for her childcare, to enable her to pursue education (which was a disaster). She was clearly embarrassed, but also thought I owed her an explanation for why I don’t have kids, despite it being obvious that I don’t have any of those resources or support systems.
Some women do the condescending “When you become a real adult, you will accept that you have to get married and have kids” line. They will still be saying this when you are middle-aged.
Although, for some, the “married” part is optional. They think single women should be pressured to have children.
Some women love to talk on and on about their kids. And it is petty, boring stuff. And there is a lot of complaining. It seems to be a bonding experience for mothers to get together and do this. A woman who isn’t participating will be viewed as an awkward outsider.
I have been openly treated like I don’t have the right to even be in the same room with other human beings, in any situation. Including in contexts where parent vs childfree ought to be totally irrelevant. Like I was obligated to remove myself from society for the evil crime of not producing any impoverished, unwanted children.