Life Experiences – Quora Archive

What does it feel like to have your sibling die?

Answered Oct 24

This can be among the most painful (and long-lasting painful) things you can experience.

It can be one of a handful of defining moments in your life. You will never “get over it”, and have zero obligation to do so, despite the arrogant social pressure to do so.

Depending on circumstances, you may feel guilt, wondering if you could have done something to prevent it.

It can help you to be more aware of your own mortality, in a world where many people don’t actually grasp that death is real, and comes for all of us.

Afterwards, for the rest of your life… You can expect exactly zero empathy from anyone about it.

Would it be ridiculous to illegalize 18 just because 18-year-olds aren’t mentally matured or experienced enough?

Answered Oct 24

At 18, I voluntarily recognised that I needed to work and take care of myself.

Against my idiot mother’s ideas, I moved about a thousand kilometers to stay with my father. Entirely to be in a geographic area with much better job prospects. I slept on his living room floor.

I struggled and got a job in a factory, with physical labour for US$3.35 an hour (minimum wage at the time). Put a few paycheques in the bank.

My father had a major career change, and was about to move to another city. I said that, it was time to be an adult, waived by-by, and got my first apartment. Paid for by me, with my money, that I earned by working at an adult job.

A month later, I moved a longer distance, to a large, aggressive city where I knew nobody. Got a room and a job and proceeded into adulthood.

I was still just 18 at that time.

With the level of coddling and support systems that some people have, I could easily have done that at 15 or 16, depending on legal eligibility.

I am acquainted with someone who actually did start working and supporting herself without a good support system, when she was 15, and who is one of the coolest people I’ve ever known. She was somewhat older when I first met her, but still comes across as more mature than average.

Functioning young adults (at 18 or whatever age) should never be legally or socially disadvantaged, just because somebody else lacked maturity.

I have actually witnessed attempts to raise “childhood” up to the age of 25, for things like medical consent, which is totally offensive and stupid.

There are 30-and-40-year-olds who lack the maturity and experience that I had as a teenager. Would you propose that those people be used to set the bar of adulthood to be past their age?

Does female privilege exist?

Answered Oct 24

Yes, and it can even be used against other females.

The first thing that comes to mind is violence. I have actually heard the following:

“I’ve heard of men beating their children, but I’ve never heard of a woman doing that, so you are lying”.
“If you said that your father beat you, I would automatically believe that. But, since you say your mother beat you, then you are lying”.
“If you think that your mother beat you, then you are dangerous and need to check into a mental hospital, and don’t come out until you have learned that women never do that!”
“You’re going to tell me what you did to make your poor, innocent mother beat you!”
“No male should ever hit a female, because males are all larger and stronger than females”. (Gets really quiet and nervous when asked why it shouldn’t just be “Nobody should ever initiate violence against anyone”, or when asked about a 30-year-old female vs. a 5-year-old male).
A woman who beats her children is actually the innocent victim of a mental illness, while a man who beats his wife is a fully responsible thug.
A woman who beats her small child is defending herself from aggression perpetrated by the child.

These things will be hurled at a female abuse survivor, so it is largely about Mommy-Privilege.

Between adults, many women have been trained to feel totally immune to receiving violence. Which can lead to a sense of entitlement to initiate physical aggression, without any fear of the other party defending themselves. This includes entitlement to initiate aggression against both men, and also against other women.

Some other angles:

A male schoolteacher who gets caught for having sex with an underage female student is viewed as a disgusting, predatory paedophile. While a female schoolteacher having sex with an underage male is viewed as showing him a good time, with lawyers, courts, and journalists making excuses, as Van Halen’s “Hot For Teacher” plays in the background.

Among adults, rape of females is a heinous crime, while rape of males is considered funny.

I have personally known females who directly stated that, false accusations of domestic violence would be a cool way of asserting power and extorting resources. Including false accusations against a platonic friend or acquaintance.

Some countries have policies of never prosecuting known false rape accusations, and false domestic violence accusations.

Most females refuse to care about such accusations, due to the naive assumption of being immune. In reality, all females need to learn about Haley Maxwell, and her false rape accusation which devastated the life of another female.

Child support payments are often ex-wife support payments. You won’t see many men using their kids as a meal ticket.

Alternately, use your kids as a meal ticket via the government welfare system.

Generally, popping out unplanned, impoverished children in a totally irresponsible manner gets you social Mommy Privilege, while a man who irresponsibly fathers children doesn’t get any corresponding privilege.

Use men as proxy weapons to threaten and abuse men, or other females. Including threats of, and actual physical violence.

Military conscription has never, and will never disadvantage females, while males are viewed as cannon fodder.

Workplace conditions, including rates of injury, disability, and fatality, are much worse for working class men.

Don’t feel like working at a job? Get a boyfriend or husband.

Don’t feel like being an independent adult? Feel free to keep living with your mommy and daddy, when you are in your late-20s, or even older, without any social stigma.

The idea that, being female entitles you to financially leech off of males can even extend to entitlement to leech off of other women, including in totally platonic situations. I have personally known individuals with this attitude.

If you desperately need a bottom-of-the-barrel job, females will be hired over males for caring for elderly and disabled people. I have worked in that field, and know what it is like, including the need for male staff. There is also a large difference in social perceptions of men vs. women in that field.

Female-dominated workplaces are bullying-dominated workplaces, with zero recourse for the targets.

Want to manipulate, lie, and/or evade consequences for bad behaviour? Turn on the tears, boo hoo hoo.

Domestically abuse, and even sexually assault another female, and she may be viciously called a liar if she ever dares to speak about it. Which is more common than the above-mentioned Maxwell case.

It helps if you are also white, middle-class, hetero-normative, cisgender, and non-immigrant, as you use your whiny little female privilege to savagely abuse other women and children, while pretending to be the victim.

Children most often killed by mothers

Psychiatry Online

Why don’t we ever talk about abusive mothers?

What do people that have never left their hometown think of the world?

Answered Oct 22

They tend to think that everyone is like themselves, and that everyplace is equivalent.

There is common idea that everyone just remains living in one place for their whole life, and that nobody ever changes where they live. If they hear that you have relocated, they may treat you like you are on a temporary, short-term vacation. And that you automatically “have to” to go back to where you “really” live.

People who lack basic relocation-related skills, like navigating an unfamiliar area with a street map, tend to project that skill deficit onto everyone else.

People who lack basic relocation-related aptitudes, like the psychological ability to handle unfamiliar environments, or to go someplace alone, tend to project that aptitude deficit onto everyone else.

People who feel tied to a location based on emotional and/or financial dependence upon someone else, project that dependence onto everyone else.

I have encountered people who couldn’t even handle going across town, insidethe local area, by themselves, and projected that onto everyone else.

They also lack understanding that there may be legitimate practical reasons for a person to relocate. Someone in the suburbs of a large city may fail to comprehend that, some locations have very poor opportunity levels (e.g. small, isolated, impoverished rural towns with severe unemployment and underemployment).

They tend to think that everywhere is basically the same, including foreign countries.

Some people will start up with this immediately upon meeting, and will try to make the entire conversation about projecting these things.

How do I get people off my back about not having contact with an abusive mother?

Updated Oct 21

These people are never going to change their attitude.

People who didn’t/don’t have abusive mothers all live in a fantasy world, where nobody has one. They all have a massive sense of entitlement to bully you to validate that fantasy. They will hate you for even possessing the information of how things really are.

All you can really expect from them is denial and victim-blaming. Forget about empathy.

Some are actually even more frightened and resentful when they figure out that you have legitimate reason for going no-contact.

In my experience, men almost never care about this, but a solid majority of women care, as if you were doing something to them personally.

I agree with some of the advice here about cutting these people out of your life, and/or shutting down the conversation, including by physically walking out of the room.

However, there will still be more people that you meet in life, who will start up with this. I have had coworkers, and even people I had just met pester me about this.

One trigger is if they learn that you have ever geographically relocated (e.g. you speak with a non-local accent). In addition to the usual bad attitudes from people who would be too small-minded and afraid to do that, some will immediately demand to know if you live in close proximity to your mother, and demand to know why not. The location issue (especially if you don’t go running “home” for frequent visits) can imply emotional independence, which most women never develop.

I also agree with the comment that this is similar to people (again, always women) who will resent you if you are single, childfree, and old enough that they realise you are going to stay that way. It is some of the same people, because they want everyone locked into the same restrictive LifeScript(TM) as themselves.

Perhaps the main things are:

Be prepared for the rudeness to arise as early as the moment you meet someone, in any context.
Listen for the keywords, “you have to”, and alternately, “you can’t”. These indicate that they don’t respect you or your right to make any adult decisions of any kind.
If they start up with, “Why don’t you live near your mother?”, be prepared with, “Because I am adult who gets to make my own decisions”.
If they say “parents”, they really just mean “mommy”.
Another idea is to respond with a question. Ask them why the subject is important to them. They are the ones getting confrontational and/or harassing you, so they are the ones who should explain their actions. They will get nervous, and may treat you as if you are the one being rude.
Never volunteer any information about your mother, or (lack of) relationship, unless the other person has already described similar experiences. If your mother was physically violent, telling people can be followed by responses that are borderline psychotic.

How can I be a mature woman?

Updated Sep 25

In no particular order…

Spend a lot of time alone. Get to know yourself, and rely upon yourself.
Go to unfamiliar places.
Use booze and drugs.
Face violence.
Have regretful sexual contact with people who later disgust you.
Have magical intimacy with a beautiful person whom you love (or loved at the time).
Get committed or married, then break up or divorce.
Read books, and hang out in libraries.
Grieve, acutely and then chronically, for the death of someone close to you.
Work at a job caring for old, disabled, sick and dying people.
Witness a dying stranger, because someday, that will be you. Especially be aware that, “someday” could be five seconds from now, with zero warning.
Work at the lowest jobs, flipping burgers or cleaning toilets, to pay for your room in a crime-riddled slum.
Work nights, and appreciate the darkness and cool air.
Move to a new city where you don’t know anyone.
Get socially and interpersonally abused.
Be homeless, and view it as an adventure.
Reinvent yourself, repeatedly.
Sit in a classroom, with other confused students.
Attend doctor’s appointments, take medication, and worry about your maturing body. Get accustomed to pain.
Cry gushing tears from a specific romantic rejection, or general loneliness.
Look up random pictures of much younger and more beautiful women, and just appreciate them.
Go to a high place, look down, and contemplate the city lights.
Look up at the oxygen mask being placed on your face, as you lay on an operating table.
Contemplate your teenage self, who had to grow up rather fast and traumatically.
Make peace with your other younger selves. You survived them, and they made you who you are today.
Appreciate that feeling as your mature body is still able to stand up, ready for action, although slower than it used to be.
Switch off the self-destruct mode. It isn’t cool anymore.
Look in the mirror, and work on the shame, that was never justified.
Pay attention to those precious few people who show you true warmth and friendliness. Show them warmth and kindness in return.
Get to middle age, and still wonder why you don’t really feel like a mature woman yet.

At what age should a child be able to make their own decisions without parental interference?

Updated Aug 4

It depends on four factors:

What exactly is meant by “child”? Many people seem to think that parental authority should be permanent, after the “child” is legally and functionally an adult.
What kinds of decisions, leading to what kind of risks and consequences?
Who is bearing the responsibility? Who is doing the work, paying the money, exposed to the risks, experiencing the consequences (either good or bad)?
There is a pervasive societal worship of parents (especially mothers), and a delusion that they always know better than their offspring, and always want what is best. In reality, plenty of parents actually don’t know better than their offspring, and don’t want what is best. Plenty of parents are severely incompetent in making their own decisions. Plenty of parents are savagely abusive, and have earned exactly zero respect from their offspring (of any age). This is one of the most taboo things that you could possibly say to most people, especially regarding mothers.

I like the idea that parents aren’t raising children, but rather, are raising future adults. Who will have the right and the responsibility to make their own decisions.

Decision-making is somewhat like a technical skill. Kind of like learning to read and write at a child’s level, which is the basis for later reading and writing at a much higher adult level.

Being raised by a dangerously violent and incompetent parent had a lot of downsides (including society’s aforementioned denial and victim-blaming). However, that person’s blatantly disordered thought process and behaviour taught me very early on that I needed to rely on myself in making decisions, as soon as possible. And I needed to dismiss that person and her “interference” from my life as soon as possible.

That person seriously believed that her children would remain children permanently. And that, at 30 or 40 years old, we would still have exactly the situation as if we were 5 or 10. Including ongoing violence. With zero right or ability to make any of our own decisions. There seem to be many allegedly adult people out there who surrender to parents like that, and remain dependent (financially, emotionally, etc), and remain under Mommy’s thumb.

I’ve always been of the view that, responsibility and control are a package deal. A large portion of society adamantly disagrees. As a general pattern, women are much worse about this than men, because women often aren’t taught to become fully independent adults, ever.

Examples:

When I under ten years old, I decided that I had zero reason to believe in any religion, god, or afterlife. I was directly told that I “have to” believe in those things. I dismissed that, and made my own decision, because nobody got to dictate what I believe, no matter how young I was.
It isn’t just parents, but also other adults, and society in general, telling children what to think, do, etc. And telling children what they “have to”think and do in their future adulthood. When I was about seven, one of my grandmothers told me that I would “have to” eventually get married and have children. I had already made a clear decision on that matter, and am still single, childfree, and going to stay that way. A decision for which society (women especially) have shown great disrespect, as if I am somehow still not really an adult.
When I was a teenager (under 18), my mother chose to relocate to an impoverished area, solely because the rent was lower compared to prosperous areas. She needed the low rent in order avoid employment, while enjoying a free ride on child support (i.e. estranged-wife support) payments. She made the bad decision, but I was bearing the bad consequence of being in a place with poor employment prospects.
Shortly after I turned 18, she made an even worse decision to move to an even more impoverished, isolated, racist, homophobic, crime-riddled, small-minded podunk rural town (population 3,500, with over half being below the official “poverty line”), in order to mooch off of her own parents. Again, her bad decision, with the expectation that I would bear the bad consequences. And that I would just go along with the delusion that employment wasn’t necessary, and that acting like an adult wasn’t necessary for either of us. Read that as many times as it takes to sink in. This was a parent who believed that she had the authority to dictate that her adult offspring would never be “allowed” to move out from under her roof. And would never be capable of doing so, since we would never be employed. At any age.

I dismissed that person, and any “interference” by moving across the country to stay with my father, in a city that had much better job prospects. Plus, he was onboard with the concept of me becoming a responsible, independent adult.

I got a job, put a few paycheques in the bank, and parted ways with my father, when I was still 18. I started bearing full, 100% responsibility for my life. I got up and went to work every day. I paid the rent on my apartment, and put the food on my table. I bore risks, and experienced consequences (both good and bad). I just assumed that’s what people did at that age, and didn’t anticipate the social condescension and disapproval that I would receive.

From that point on, I have never asked either parent’s “permission” for anything, and have never even sought their advice, for any decision of any kind. And I was in some very adult situations, making very adult decisions, and doing some very adult things. At an age when many people are still too afraid to move out of their mommy’s house. Although I’ve been acquainted with people who had to be independent at an age younger than I was, and who had even worse backgrounds.

My parents strongly disapproved of most of my life decisions. That’s tough luck for them, because they don’t bear the responsibility, and therefore, they have zero authority.

A lot of parents like to tell teenagers (or young alleged adults) “My house, my rules”. I always took that to mean that, the moment I started financially supporting myself, it was going to be my rules. This applies equally to people who start working and supporting themselves at 15 or 16.

If they don’t pay, they have no say.

Even as a teenager, I knew that all of the responsibility was going to be on me, to whatever level was legally and financially viable. That responsibility involved decisions on medical matters, sexuality, alcohol, the people with whom I associate, education, work, geographic location, etc, etc.

It never entered my mind (at any age) to consider their opinions or solicit their advice on any of those things. At 18, I could legally enforce my control position, and act on my decisions, with zero reference to them.

If I decided to relocate thousands of kilometres, alone, I got to do that.

If I decided to have sex with another consenting adult, I got to do that. It’s intensely creepy how some alleged adults worry what their parents might think about this.

If I made decisions on medical matters, education, work, alcohol, the people with whom I associate, how I spend my limited amount of time, etc, etc, I got to do that.

Now, here is the ongoing issue:

Society (especially women) has shown an extreme disrespect for my “responsibility=control” principle.

As an example, I have been directly told, as a middle-aged adult, that I “have to”be geographically domiciled in the same town as my mother. So I can reattach the umbilical cord. Submitting to her authority on the matter, as if I were still a child, while I bear the negative adult consequences. (The fact that she has stated the intent to call the police with false accusations if she ever sees me again, is apparently considered irrelevant.)

And it isn’t just about submitting to parental authority. There is also a pervasive, incredibly arrogant assumption of random-acquaintance authority. Having people whom I’ve just met thinking that they can dictate my life decisions. With an attitude that is very much like a parent dictating to a small child. Including situations where I am the same age, or even older than the other person.

I suspect that, people who are themselves parents get accustomed to micromanaging and dictating to their children, and keep that same “authority-I-know-best-you-have-to” attitude when they are dealing with other adults.

There is a pattern where, I can make a statement to a new random acquaintance, about a situation or decision that I have either already made and acted upon, or that I may make in the future. And they automatically think that I am actually just proposing a theoretical idea, and asking for them to dictate what I can or cannot do. Exactly like a child asking Mommy’s permission, being beholden to parental authority, and the “Mommy knows better than you” delusion.

Although I’ve certainly had numerous nonparents act that way, as well.

Why wouldn’t you send your kid to school unless you’re hiding something? Do you think homeschooling would be best because no one can see that your children are being abused?

Answered Jun 27

It depends.

In my first-hand experience, this was the exact truth.

How do you instill confidence in girls as they grow up?

Updated Jun 30

Some of this applies to both girls and boys, but a lot is female-oriented.

As I’ve mentioned in other posts, a huge issue for girls and women is financial responsibility. There is a very common message (even in the 21st century) that, being female means that working and supporting one’s self is optional. When that girl becomes a young adult, she may be totally unprepared to do that. She may get into, and stay in, a bad relationship, just for the financial support. Or she may have “failure to launch” and remain dependent on her parents. Or she may become confused, frightened, and angry in a situation where she only has the money/resources that she can personally generate by working. One reason why men seem more confident about this is not because they are told they “can” do it, but rather that they must. Working and fully supporting themselves is presented as a normal, basic part of adulthood. Girls would benefit from being taught this, as well.
There is mass insecurity over physical appearance and attractiveness. This also relates to mass competition, incessant, immediate comparisons to other females, etc. It can manifest as feeling depressed, but I have also seen it come out as criticism and even hostility towards other females. There is an effort to distract from insecurities by lashing out. Girls would benefit from direct conversations about the social focus on appearance, and the dysfunctional behaviours that result.
Western media and popular culture are hypersexualised. There has been an explosion of pornography, being viewed by both boys and girls, from a young age. And it is mostly females being degraded for male consumption. Girls would benefit from being reassured that they don’t have any obligation to buy into all of this. And they don’t have to tolerate bad behaviour and attitudes from porn-programmed young men, although it is important to know that they will be facing those behaviours and attitudes.
Teach them not to worry about being viewed as a prude if they are modest, or as a loser if they are single.
Teach them about alcohol, and its dangers.
At the youngest age possible, teach girls (and boys) basic daily household activities. Put out the rubbish and recycling. Do the laundry. Clean the bathroom. Prepare a simple meal. I have encountered university students who had difficulty with these things.
Teach them how to navigate themselves with a street map, to get to someplace that they have never previously been. I have encountered allegedly adult women who didn’t grasp that this skill (and psychological aptitude) even existed.
Teach them to use the telephone in an adult manner. Start with simple things like calling a business to ask their opening hours.
Teach them to use public transportation (e.g. finding the needed routes).
Teach them about cars. Basic things like checking the oil and coolant, changing a tyre, etc. Also warn them some dishonest mechanics may assume that women know nothing about cars, and so are targets for fraudulent repair diagnoses.
Teach them about finding information. Locations of things, suppliers and prices, laws/regulations, etc. Make sure they have a library card, and understand that the internet isn’t just for playing with FaceBook.
Teach them about money. It doesn’t just magically appear, and the supply is limited. Distinguish need-spending and want-spending. Prepare them for the real possibility of having a standard of living downgrade when they get their first apartment. Open a bank account, and practice the habit of putting a few dollars into savings every week, and leaving it there. Cultivate self-control with money.
Teach them that they don’t have to be limited to pink collar jobs.
Warn them that, as a working adult, they will likely experience some level of sexual harassment. They may need to be careful in handling it, but don’t necessarily have to feel overly intimidated.
Teach them about the realities of crime. Also emphasise the fact that, a lot of violent crime is perpetrated by someone known to the victim, so they can reduce their risk by being careful about who they let into their lives.
Teach them that marriage and children are optional, not required. Warn them that, many adult women fail to understand or respect this.
Teach them that, other people won’t always want to be friends with them, and that is OK. Also teach them that, other people won’t always want to be romantic partners with them, and that is OK. Rejection is a normal part of life.
Teach them to have a good attention span. Not just in the short term (put the phone away and listen to the school lecture), but also in the longer term (worthwhile life goals cannot be accomplished if the longest time frame you can imagine is two weeks).
Teach them that there will always be some other girl or woman who seems to have a better situation (appearance, money, whatever). It may feel bad, but it is a normal part of life.
Teach them to avoid whining, and to focus on problem-solving.