Relationships & Sex – Quora Archive

Is there really someone for everybody?

Updated Oct 23

This is an incredibly common, but dishonest and toxic fantasy.

It is a condescending approach to say this to someone. That can be, “I’m saying a nice, rose-coloured lie, and you owe me gratitude”. Or it could be a way to justify lack of empathy for a lonely person. Or it could be a deflection when rejecting someone.

There are a couple possible meanings of “someone for everybody”:

The idea of a god or similar all-powerful planning force which decides on specific pairing of people, and includes all humans being assigned their own particular “The One”. Or perhaps, all humans being assigned a pool of people who could each function similarly to “The One”. And that god or planning force also decided that, everybody is guaranteed to eventually meet their particular “The One”. The simple way for this to be false, is that, there isn’t any such god or planning force.
Statistics, with the idea that, out of 7.5 billion humans, there is at least one workable pairing for each person, simultaneously, and that you will eventually meet such a person. However, those 7.5 billion people include many, many who are hopelessly incompatible with you, or are already paired to someone else, or who are totally inaccessible to you. It is impossible to meet and sort through all 7.5 billion people, with the amount of time and resources you have.

Another issue is that, many people have personal characteristics that would prevent any reasonable romantic pairing (either as the one doing the seeking, or as “The One” being sought):

They are a terminally ill child, who will die before reaching an appropriate age.
They are severely disabled, mentally and/or physically, to the extent that they cannot consent.
They are in a third-world country, and are preoccupied with starvation, diseases, warfare, slavery, etc.
They have requirements and expectations that are so severely asymmetric that their concept of “The One” is someone who is, practically, “out of their league”.
They have requirements and expectations that will always prevent them from being satisfied with any real person as a partner.
They have intractable attitudes and behaviours for a concept of a relationship which are always totally abusive to the other party.
They are already married/partnered to someone they don’t even like, but will never leave.
They died in a random accident last week.
They may be a nice person, but are shy and socially awkward to the point of never even making friends.
Whether you enjoy admitting it or not, some people have physical appearance issues (whether medical or just aesthetic) which preclude attraction. While they might get used by an extremely desperate and/or fetishistic partner, that isn’t going to be a good relationship.

Poll Question: Which is it? Option A: for a decade any person you wish will instantly have passionate sex with you upon demand. Option B: 10,000 children with a terminal illness are instantly and permanently healed.

Updated Sep 18

Some people may say Option B, with the motivation of “virtue signalling”, to show how self-sacrificing and generous they are. But I have a different motivation.

For the past ten years, I have been enduring a constant, living nightmare.

I can’t trust anyone, and anytime I try to make friends, it turns out that their ulterior motive is to have passionate sex with me.

Extremely attractive people have dumped their long-time spouses and partners, in attempts to be available for passionate sex with me instead.

People have purchased full-page advertisements in the New York Times, with extremely attractive photos and descriptions of themselves, publicly offering me passionate sex.

There are a number of weekly podcasts and YouTube channels in which extremely attractive people stare into the camera, rambling on about how much they want to have passionate sex with me.

Two extremely attractive people have hired airplanes – one trailing a large banner, and the other skywriting – offering me passionate sex.

I have fan clubs in over 35 countries, consisting of extremely attractive people who dream of meeting me for passionate sex, and have posters of me on their bedroom walls. Whatever they do at night, in their bedrooms, staring at those posters, I have zero clue.

There are online “incel” discussion forums devoted to misogynistic, hateful posts about their seething envy of me, due the amount of attractive potential sex partners available to me.

People who were not only extremely attractive physically, but also fabulously wealthy have invited me stay at their mansions, or to accompany them on expensive, romantic vacations.

My email and voicemail are filled with communications from extremely attractive people asking me on dates that they hope will culminate in passionate sex.

My snailmail box receives sincere, charming, handwritten letters from extremely attractive people professing their love, in the hope that I will reciprocate and have passionate sex with them. Many of these letters have traces of the crying authors’ tears that fell as they were writing.

I order at a fast food restaurant, and the extremely attractive burger-flipper says, “Would you like some passionate sex with that?”

Whenever I even leave this apartment, I must jostle through a crowd of extremely attractive people, who gather outside my door, hoping to offer me passionate sex. Some of them camp out overnight, as if they were waiting to buy the latest mobile phone or something. Others have travelled hundreds of kilometres to get here.

It’s relentless.

So, if saving the 10,000 terminally ill children will finally bring an end to the constant barrage of sexual attention, then that sounds like a great option to choose.

How do astronauts survive without sex for so long?

Answered Aug 21

OK, here’s how it works.

First, it’s only a problem for the male astronauts. Research based on males between the ages of 13 and 25 shows that, a lack of sex causes a medically dangerous buildup of pressurised semen in the testicles.

So, on the space station, they have a periodic health and safety routine to alleviate this.

Basically, they open the door, and allow all the air to escape, so the entire station depressurises. The vacuum of space then pulls all of the accumulated semen from the astronauts, in one big spooge, thus relieving their painful internal pressure. Then, they close the door and fill the station with air again.

They do this about every three or four months or so.

There have been long-standing but never confirmed rumours that the old Soviet space program’s Mir station didn’t have this procedure, and that a crew member suffered a fatal explosion due to the chronic lack of sexual release.

It’s amazing what you can learn when you ask questions of random strangers on Quora, isn’t it?

Does a body count matter with sexual partners?

Updated Aug 20

Yes, it does matter, from both ends of the scale.

A lot of people seem to fixate on virgins. With an over-confident idea of being special, and introducing some innocent young person to sexuality.

A problem there is that, there is a lifetime of social buildup, and being told how wonderful sex is, and how wonderful your first time will be. The virgin may be so eager to get some experience, and see what all the fuss is about, and feel like a real grownup, etc. And then, the actual experience can be rather disappointing.

It can be disappointing because it was actually bad sex, with a partner who was incompatible and/or inconsiderate, etc. There are people out there (both men and women) who think they are cool for exploiting inexperienced young people.

It can also be disappointing just because it didn’t match all the social hype around it.

So, if you are somebody’s first partner, there is a risk that they are going to think, “There must be something/someone better out there”.

If you are a considerate and empathetic person, it can also be kind of stressful to be someone’s first partner, because you may be thinking, “OMG, I want to make this nice for them, and am terrified of traumatising them”. I’ve been on that side of it, too.

The other end of the scale is a lot like a job application.

If someone has had many different jobs over a relatively short period of time, that is a red-flag for employers. You could try to spin it as having a range of experience. But it can also indicate a pattern of bad behaviour, like getting fired, or quitting easily.

If someone is just looking for a casual fling, then a partner’s high “body count” might not be a problem, and might seem like a good, low-investment-then-move-on prospect.

If someone is looking to invest large amounts of time/attention/opportunity-cost into a long-term relationship, then they are going to be like a prospective employer suspicious of why you keep getting fired.

A large number of partners over time suggests that you jump into bed with people very easily. You might have low standards. Or you might do a lot of cheating. If you don’t seem to care which random people you sleep with, that suggests that you also don’t care about their mental or physical well-being. You might be compulsively and arrogantly using people. You might be a serious disease risk.

A large number of partners may indicate a more general lack of self-control, lack of emotional investment, and lack of thinking before doing things that have an emotional or physical impact on another person.

How are people with OCPD as sexual partners?

Updated Sep 25

Unfortunately, I have experience with this. I try to forgive myself for tolerating it even as long as I did, because I was much younger at the time.

There wasn’t any official diagnosis (that I know of) for the individual, but the attitudes and behaviours match the usual descriptions for Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder.

Here is what you can look forward to, if you make the mistake of getting sexually involved with such a person:

Constant, relentless criticism of your appearance and attractiveness level. You will be treated like the most physically defective person who ever lived, with detail after detail after detail incessantly picked at. And you will be accused of deliberately choosing to be physically defective, as part of your alleged mission to make them suffer, and to deprive them of the perfect partner to which they are entitled.
Micromanaging of appearance. Like being pestered and pestered and pestered to a get a certain hairstyle, or to wear certain kinds of clothes. Including demands for you to hypersexualise your appearance.
Accusations of you deliberately abusing them if you fail to automatically comply with their micromanaging. And they will come up with new things that they haven’t mentioned before. There was an incident when the person got seriously agitated, victimised, and angry, because I arrived wearing the “wrong” colour shirt. Which was viewed as a deliberate effort by me to insult the person. Shirt colour had never been mentioned before, but it was just assumed that I (and everyone else on the planet) was thinking on the same disordered level.
Hearing complaints and criticism of other people. Including alleged physical or other appearance defects. Like a self-pitying, victimised story about how some previous sex partner had once purchased the “wrong” colour socks, with an assumption that you will agree about how horrible that was. This isn’t an exaggeration – the… “wrong”… colour… socks.
Hearing complaints and criticism and nit-picking, petty little grudges over issues that happened four girlfriends ago.
Being told that, when you walk down the street, you are drawing the attention of random strangers, and creating a public spectacle of yourself, with your defective appearance. Because everybody on the planet is assumed to share in the delusions and fixations.
The appearance micromanaging includes not only clothing, but also details of your physical body. You will be told that, everyone you meet is going to stare at some alleged defect on your face or body, and will form negative opinions of you. This can escalate to pressuring you to go to a plastic surgeon to have the alleged defects fixed.
If you have some good physical feature, there may be demands for you to provide instructions so that some other acquaintance of theirs can alter their appearance to have that feature. With the insistant belief that people can control things like the size of their breasts or buttocks, on command, with simple instructions. And what a horrible person you are for withholding those instructions, thereby being responsible for some other person’s physical defects.
Being ordered to form negative opinions of random people who have previously rejected or dumped the person.
Refusal to consider issues of appropriateness or compatibility in pursuing someone. This includes things like large age differences, massive differences of personal values and future aspirations, etc.
Constant demands for attention. They expect you to just sit at home, staring at the telephone, waiting for their call. Because you can’t possibly have any other things going on in your life. You may be treated like you did something aggressive, just because they got the voicemail when they called. You couldn’t possibly have any legitimate reason to be speaking with anyone else on the phone.
Constant efforts to isolate you, and pull you into their little world. They don’t want you comparing notes with their other friends or sex partners (past or present).
Constant obsessions with sexually fetishising you and other people. The sun rises and sets on their fetishes.
Severe over-estimation of how good they are in bed. Also focus on aggressive style, and sneering contempt for gentleness or affection. If you just want to cuddle, they may call you a “prick-tease”.
Very grabby sexuality, making advances at practically anyone who gets within grabbing range. Promiscuity with serious refusal to be responsible about disease risks. They may feel entitled to multiple concurrent partners, without even telling you how many. While also asserting the right to dictate whether you are “allowed” any outside partners. They may feel entitled to have some kind of on-demand harem that revolves around them, and you are supposed to feel happy with getting used as a booty-call.
Refusal to respect former partners moving on with their lives. Either just cultivating happiness, or getting into a healthier relationship with someone who isn’t so disordered.
They will demand that you behave in an abusive manner towards third parties, in an effort to promote their delusions and compulsions. And you are an abuser if you refuse to do so.
They can’t handle waiting for things, and their demands have the tone of a severe emergency.
They can’t handle being told “no”. About anything. They will attempt coercion, up to and including a violent criminal act against you. Because they only understand that their compulsions must be acted out. With total lack of empathy or anticipation of any other consequences beyond getting what they feel entitled to.
There is absolutely no limit to the pettiness, negativity, and sense of entitlement. They have zero capacity to see themselves as the source of the problem. And zero capacity to see your perspective.

In my experience, the person was obsessed with wanting to stick objects where they don’t belong, and, on the final day, directly stated the intent to sexually assault me. And then acted victimised when I immediately terminated the “relationship”, in order to prevent said assault from occurring. And took a whiny little attitude, accusing me of being dysfunctional and refusing to have an enjoyable time. This person could only see their own compulsion, and consent was meaningless to them.

Regardless of any official diagnosis or head-pshrinking, it is critically important to look for the micromanaging red-flags.

All drama, all the time. Exhausting, and you will always be accused of being the abuser.

These people don’t just do annoying drama. They can be very dangerous.

Fortunately, I bailed out of that disaster within a matter of a few months. And would bail much faster if I encountered someone like that, at this later point in life. Some people tolerate that kind of abuse for years and years.

I asked out a girl in my workplace. She said no. Should I try again later?

Answered Aug 7

No, absolutely not.

There are a few situations where you should never ask someone on a date. Regardless of how wonderful the person seems, or how desperate you feel.

Coworkers. Even asking once may be interpreted as harassment. Asking repeatedly is harassment. Some businesses take this very seriously. Especially in a litigious geographic area, where they may be quite concerned about ending up in court. A more human issue is simply respecting that, the person is going to their job every day because they need pay the rent and put food on the table.
Other work-related acquaintances whom you see often. This includes customers.
Anyone whom you know from them doing their job. She is there to earn a living by helping to sell you a product or service. She may have had numerous prior experiences of being harassed by random customers.
Any medical relationship, such as a doctor, nurse, physical therapist, head-phsrinker, etc, and a patient. This violates very basic professional ethics, and can threaten a professional license.
Any academic relationship. Professor and student, etc. I would also say don’t come on to any classmates or labmates, because their reason for being there is similar to someone doing a job.
Any kind of group therapy, or support group (for people with whatever problems), including addiction related meetings.
Neighbours. She might be extremely upset at receiving overtures from someone who knows where she lives, and who lives very close. I even have a policy of NOT platonically socialising with neighbours, due to a situation where I rejected someone’s obnoxious demands for platonic (I think?) friendship, and her subsequent grudge was bizarre and dangerous.

A common thread here is that, those people are in that situation for reasons that have nothing to do with you. And nothing to do with finding a sex partner. And these are all situations that have mass problems with very stressful, and even illegal and/or physically dangerous harassment.

Another common thread is that, these are economic situations. Either they need to earn a living, or they are paying money for a product or service.

Lastly (and again, on a more human respect level), “no” means “no” the first time. And every subsequent time.

The whole “playing hard to get” thing is stupid, toxic, and dangerous. The fact that some other person was just “playing hard to get” is irrelevant to the present situation. The current person may be extremely upset at repeated approaches.

TLDR; Don’t defecate where you eat. Don’t dip your pen in the company ink. You need this job more than you need to get laid.

What is it like to love you? Are you easy to love?

Updated Aug 9

I don’t have anyone to ask, so here is what comes to my own mind, in no particular order:

I’ve been single for a long time, and am accustomed to it as my normal mode of living.
Similar to the preceding item, I am of an age with a certain accumulation of life experiences. And those wouldn’t have been shared with the other person. And, if they were of a similar age, their accumulated experiences wouldn’t have been shared with me.
Bad past experiences in this area resulted in being highly suspicious and cynical about ulterior motives, lying, etc.
I have commitment phobia. This isn’t about being faithful to one person. In a “love” relationship, I would absolutely want to be monogamous. But I don’t like the idea of a relationship feeling like a more general life burden, feeling handcuffed, or making life smaller.
I would possibly oscillate between moods of loss-for-words silence, and moods of being verbose and intensely communicative.
The preceding item could also seem like oscillating between moods of disengagement and moods of excessive affection.
I would have a reflex of trying to scare the person away.
I would be inclined to think, “This is too good to be true”.
I would be inclined to think, “What does this person see in me? Are they delusional? Are we headed for disappointment when they get to know me better?”
At times, I can be boring, lazy, and of impaired reliability.
I am sometimes hesitant and doing analysis paralysis over life decisions.
Any “love” situation can be strongly impacted by differences in age, career trajectory. geography, etc.
I have a different attitude towards things like material possessions and geographic mobility, compared to many people.
Through the magic of the internet, hordes of people believe that they are “in love” with a very narrow and restricted view of someone they have never met in person. I don’t like the idea of doing that, and also don’t like the idea having such a horde thinking they “love” me. Unless they sent me money or packets of instant noodles or something.
I haven’t always had a particularly healthy lifestyle, and that tendency might be felt negatively by the other person.
Some personal qualities and experiences might give a sense of being able to relate to each other. Which could include having dealt with adversity. But that could also make the relationship about combining negative things. Or about mutually struggling with internal conflicts.
I have a chronic tendency to make everything too complicated.
I can imagine feeling very guilty. Like I wasn’t being an attentive enough partner. Or was distracting the person from better possible partners.
I’m not sure that I’ve ever been in a real “love” situation. If so, it was with exactly one person, and that situation eventually (inevitably) kind of imploded. Although we are still friends.
I would view the whole “love” idea as a source of worrying and distraction from other important things.

In summation, I would be intolerable.

Is married privilege an actual thing (like male privilege)?

Answered Jun 30

Yes, absolutely.

Marriage functions as “social proof”. It is viewed as evidence that somebody (your spouse) considers you to have value. It could imply that you have money or status, or that you should be considered attractive. Or even just that you are a minimally decent human being. It also shows that you follow “the rules” of society.

Suspicion arises from the assumption that “everybody” wants a spouse or partner. And that a single person must be getting rejected for some horrible personal defects. Some people will openly try to figure out the specific defects.

When you are just starting adulthood (e.g. 18–25), people can reassure themselves that you “will” eventually act out the marriage-and-children script. But, as you get older (e.g. 30+) they may start figuring out that you might never comply.

People who cling to marriage or a relationship may feel insulted that you don’t validate them by doing the same.

They may feel stuck in an unhappy marriage or relationship, because the prospect of being single terrifies them. They may project a sort of “guilt by association” of fearing someone who is comfortably single.

Among women, there is a huge division between those who are financially dependent on a husband, vs those who fully support themselves.

This division may also include dependence on a husband’s skills, aptitudes, knowledge, experience, etc, in basic daily life, vs those who take care of themselves on this level.

On the other side, a man who feels burdened and exploited by his marriage (especially if there are children), may resent a single, childfree man.

There is a mass worship of “stability” and “settling down”, and the idea that the shackles of marriage and children are markers of responsible adulthood.

Many women bond and socialise by constantly talking about their husband and kids. A woman who isn’t participating will be viewed as an awkward outsider, and dismissed.

This issue affects one’s ability to participate in society, and one’s ability to be taken seriously as an adult. This can be brought into workplaces.

What are your thoughts on same-sex marriage?

Updated Jul 1

I live in a country where this is legal.

There are a few angles on this.

Some random people having a same-sex marriage doesn’t have any effect on my life. And nobody is trying to coerce me into such a marriage.
On The Other Hand, if such marriages weren’t legal, that also wouldn’t have any effect on me. Because I don’t want one.

I don’t think about, “Do you have a piece of government-issued paper handcuffing you to this other person?” I would mainly be concerned with how they felt about their relationship. Because people in miserable relationships may have generally negative attitudes, which they might take out on me (e.g. coworkers bringing their personal misery into a workplace).

The “activists” fixating on same-sex marriage are barking up the wrong tree, so to speak.

The more important and fundamental issue is…

Why do you want a government-issued piece of paper telling you that you are allowed to have sex with somebody?

Aside from immigration issues, why did you decide that, the government should be involved, at all?

And why do you worship marriage, and obsession with “being in a relationship”?

I don’t care if same-sex marriage is legal ot not. I’m more interested in the dysfunction that is marriage itself.

The main beneficiaries of same-sex marriage will be divorce lawyers. Cha-Ching!

How do you instill confidence in girls as they grow up?

Updated Jun 30

Some of this applies to both girls and boys, but a lot is female-oriented.

As I’ve mentioned in other posts, a huge issue for girls and women is financial responsibility. There is a very common message (even in the 21st century) that, being female means that working and supporting one’s self is optional. When that girl becomes a young adult, she may be totally unprepared to do that. She may get into, and stay in, a bad relationship, just for the financial support. Or she may have “failure to launch” and remain dependent on her parents. Or she may become confused, frightened, and angry in a situation where she only has the money/resources that she can personally generate by working. One reason why men seem more confident about this is not because they are told they “can” do it, but rather that they must. Working and fully supporting themselves is presented as a normal, basic part of adulthood. Girls would benefit from being taught this, as well.
There is mass insecurity over physical appearance and attractiveness. This also relates to mass competition, incessant, immediate comparisons to other females, etc. It can manifest as feeling depressed, but I have also seen it come out as criticism and even hostility towards other females. There is an effort to distract from insecurities by lashing out. Girls would benefit from direct conversations about the social focus on appearance, and the dysfunctional behaviours that result.
Western media and popular culture are hypersexualised. There has been an explosion of pornography, being viewed by both boys and girls, from a young age. And it is mostly females being degraded for male consumption. Girls would benefit from being reassured that they don’t have any obligation to buy into all of this. And they don’t have to tolerate bad behaviour and attitudes from porn-programmed young men, although it is important to know that they will be facing those behaviours and attitudes.
Teach them not to worry about being viewed as a prude if they are modest, or as a loser if they are single.
Teach them about alcohol, and its dangers.
At the youngest age possible, teach girls (and boys) basic daily household activities. Put out the rubbish and recycling. Do the laundry. Clean the bathroom. Prepare a simple meal. I have encountered university students who had difficulty with these things.
Teach them how to navigate themselves with a street map, to get to someplace that they have never previously been. I have encountered allegedly adult women who didn’t grasp that this skill (and psychological aptitude) even existed.
Teach them to use the telephone in an adult manner. Start with simple things like calling a business to ask their opening hours.
Teach them to use public transportation (e.g. finding the needed routes).
Teach them about cars. Basic things like checking the oil and coolant, changing a tyre, etc. Also warn them some dishonest mechanics may assume that women know nothing about cars, and so are targets for fraudulent repair diagnoses.
Teach them about finding information. Locations of things, suppliers and prices, laws/regulations, etc. Make sure they have a library card, and understand that the internet isn’t just for playing with FaceBook.
Teach them about money. It doesn’t just magically appear, and the supply is limited. Distinguish need-spending and want-spending. Prepare them for the real possibility of having a standard of living downgrade when they get their first apartment. Open a bank account, and practice the habit of putting a few dollars into savings every week, and leaving it there. Cultivate self-control with money.
Teach them that they don’t have to be limited to pink collar jobs.
Warn them that, as a working adult, they will likely experience some level of sexual harassment. They may need to be careful in handling it, but don’t necessarily have to feel overly intimidated.
Teach them about the realities of crime. Also emphasise the fact that, a lot of violent crime is perpetrated by someone known to the victim, so they can reduce their risk by being careful about who they let into their lives.
Teach them that marriage and children are optional, not required. Warn them that, many adult women fail to understand or respect this.
Teach them that, other people won’t always want to be friends with them, and that is OK. Also teach them that, other people won’t always want to be romantic partners with them, and that is OK. Rejection is a normal part of life.
Teach them to have a good attention span. Not just in the short term (put the phone away and listen to the school lecture), but also in the longer term (worthwhile life goals cannot be accomplished if the longest time frame you can imagine is two weeks).
Teach them that there will always be some other girl or woman who seems to have a better situation (appearance, money, whatever). It may feel bad, but it is a normal part of life.
Teach them to avoid whining, and to focus on problem-solving.