What do I do to make a guy in his early twenties understand consent?

Answered Jan 8, 2019

Here is one of the most important life lessons I’ve had.

If an adult, of any age, male or female, doesn’t understand or respect consent by the time I meet them, they are never going to do so. And there is absolutely nothing that I can say or do to teach them.

If an adult, of any age, male or female, doesn’t understand that, bad behaviour leads to bad consequences, by the time I meet them, they are never going to do so. And I cannot teach them, even by imposing those consequences.

I’ve also learned that, it doesn’t really matter whether the person can or cannot “understand” consent. What matters is that they don’t care.

In looking back on certain interactions, I would find myself saying things like:

  • Sometimes, you are going to want something, and my answer will be “no”, and you will just have to accept that.
  • I have the right to say “no”, and other people have the right to say “no” to you. I, and they, aren’t victimising you, just because you feel disappointed, hurt, or angry.
  • Sometimes, you are going to want something, and you will have to wait for it, rather than expecting immediate compliance.
  • Complying with a demand in the past is not a promise to comply with that same (or any other) demand in the future. Each time you want something, you will need to separately ask (not demand). With the understanding that, this particular request might be denied.
  • Different behaviours will lead to different consequences. Coercive and abusive behaviour will lead to consequences that you don’t like.
  • I have repeatedly, consistently, clearly, and firmly said “no” to this demand. Why are are treating me exactly as if I said “yes”?
  • I don’t see the situation the same as you see it. And I don’t view the “rules” of relationships/friendships the same as you view them.
  • Your belief that you “need” something, or the fact that you fantasized about me giving/doing/tolerating doesn’t create any kind of promise by me, or obligation.
  • My money, physical possessions, physical body, and time belong to me, not you.
  • The fact that you “can’t” control your behaviour, doesn’t require me to stick around and tolerate it. My rules, limits, and boundaries don’t magically disappear just because you “can’t” respect them.
  • Telling me that my boundaries are dysfunctional doesn’t constitute an entitlement to violate them.
  • My primary responsibility doesn’t revolve around complying with your demands. My primary responsibility is take care of my own needs, including my own financial self-support, and my own physical safety. That includes the responsibility to stay away from parasites and abusers. Because allowing some people into my life is like deliberately getting into a cage with a large, rabid animal.
  • The subject of this conversation is consent. And how you behave when I say “no” to you. This conversation is not about pestering or gaslighting me into saying “yes”.
  • You need to accept the limits and boundaries I set for what I will give/do/tolerate. And if you can’t or won’t, then the limits and boundaries will become even more restrictive, up to ceasing all contact. Accept what is offered, or you will get nothing at all from me.
  • I don’t have to be in this relationship/friendship. I have the right and the ability to abandon you at any time, for any reason. Such as if you don’t start respecting my boundaries. Or even just because I don’t feel like interacting with you anymore. This is a unilateral decision to be made by me, and doesn’t require your permission.

The fact that I was in a position to even say those things to a series of adults was a huge red flag. And none of it ever worked, or led to any of them understanding anything.

Sexual consent is a very high-stakes situation. Many, many people have been guilt-tripped, gaslighted, and coerced into sex acts that they didn’t want, in the context of a relationship. Many, many people have been violently raped in the context of a relationship. This guy is waving a huge red flag of an impending assault.

A related category of red flags is the general disrespect of you making your own decisions. Including things like micromanaging your appearance. That is an early sign of serious control issues that can gradually escalate to sexual coercion and violence. I want to emphasise that, you need to take all of his red flags, and all of his arrogance and entitlement and imaginary “rules” very, very seriously.

After he rapes you, there will be nothing that you can say or do to teach him that he did something wrong. And for you, it will already be too late, because it will already have happened. And no amount of arguing will erase the permanent impact upon you.

There are people sitting in prison for rape and other violence, who still refuse to comprehend, and who see themselves as innocent victims of the situation. They still believe that they were just exercising their “right” to do whatever they want, and have zero consideration for their victims.

When getting into a new relationship, or a new platonic friendship, it is vitally important to see how the person responds to being told “no”. You cannot confidently predict this until it happens. Things might seem to be proceeding OK for weeks, as long as you have been consistently saying “yes”. And then, you come to your first refusal (e.g. “No sex tonight, because it’s late and I’m physically too tired to do it”). Or they demand a new sex act that you don’t want. And that may be the turning point when you suddenly find out their attitude about consent.

But also look for a “no” situation that doesn’t involve sex. And do so before getting sexually involved.

People of all ages, and both men and women, can totally disrespect consent. I once knew a middle-aged female who believed that she was entitled to sex on demand from female partners. She sexually assaulted at least one, and probably more, and was completely unaware that she had done anything wrong. And couldn’t even imagine anyone dumping her to prevent a repeat.

She had two views about people saying “no” to her. One was that, the person had a “hangup”, and just wouldn’t admit to secretly wanting it. The other was that, people refused because they were too stupid to understand how much fun sex in general (or particular sex acts) would be. And that, pestering, gaslighting, arguing, and eventually using physical force was either giving them what they “really” wanted, or would be justified because they would learn that they enjoy the experience.

Nothing that anyone said or did ever got through to her. She burned through relationship after relationship after relationship (or really, more like a series of “booty-call” situations). With zero ability to learn from consequences, zero inclination to honestly examine her attitudes, and zero interest in changing her behaviour. She was convinced that, everyone who said “no”, or who set boundaries, or who dumped her, was dysfunctional. And that they refused to appreciate what a great partner she was.

Like your boyfriend, she believed that, anyone saying “no” to her was an act of abuse. And a violation of the rules and promises that supposedly come with entering a relationship. She believed that, if you don’t want to be assaulted, the burden is on you to say “yes” to literally any demand.

I disagree with the suggestions of game-playing (forcing him to eat, proposing the strap-on, etc). That makes it seem like some kind of negotiation, or mutual disrespect, or fight over the subject. He very likely is completely clear about his own right to say “no” and to enforce it. Because his wants and entitlements are central to his experience of the relationship, while viewing you as existing to serve him, and give him anything and everything he demands, without limits.

I also disagree with the comment about violence (i.e. stating the intent to kill them if they try to assault you). I’ve encountered people who will completely tune out that statement, and act like they didn’t even hear it.

Many, many people view sexual relationships, or platonic friendships as a one-way deal. They are here to take, and you are here to give.

Like your boyfriend, they are adamant that, relationships and friendships have universal, obvious “rules” that you have agreed to obey, simply by getting involved. Common relationship/friendship “rules” are that:

  • You never have the right to say “no” to them. About anything.
  • You don’t have the right to set any requirements, demands, or standards of your own.
  • You don’t have the right to impose any negative consequences for their abusive behaviour.
  • You don’t have the right to ever abandon them. Or even to have any restricted availability when they demand attention.

Naturally, those rules only apply to you, and not them.

Disrespect of consent applies to many things besides sex. That’s the problem with the “cup of tea” video, which I’ve seen before. I don’t believe for one second that that video (or similar approaches) will teach these people anything.

I have received severe disrespect of my right to say “no” to all of the following:

  • Being platonic “friends” with openly abusive individuals who contribute nothing but aggravation.
  • Buying into someone’s mindless grudge against a third party.
  • Handing over cash money, any time, any amount, for any purpose.
  • Allowing someone to live rent-free in my home.
  • Being people’s free, on-demand, personal limousine.
  • Alternately, being expected to accept “offers” of being given a ride home from a social situation, getting into a car with some creepy guy I don’t know.
  • Enabling and paying for other people’s drug habits. Including committing serious crimes.
  • Being guaranteed available any time they call and want attention or a favour.
  • Living in a geographic area that I don’t want to live in. Including being told that I was obligated to spent the rest of my life in an impoverished, small-minded small town in the middle of nowhere.
  • Moving to a “nice” low-crime neighbourhood that I couldn’t afford.
  • Having ongoing contact with my abusive mother. Including being told that I “have to” live in the same town as her, or even under the same roof. While also being bullied to go around lying about what a wonderful parent she was.
  • Quitting a job, merely because the other person wouldn’t be capable/willing to do it. Or otherwise behaving badly at a job (e.g. refusing to get work done), merely because the other person would do so.
  • Remaining stuck in a minimum wage, bottom-of-the-barrel job for the rest of my working life.
  • Being told how I can and cannot spend my money.
  • Disclosing private information, such as exact income and other financial details.
  • Disclosing my physical home address to people I just met.
  • Being treated like I should have dropped out of university, without finishing a degree, merely because the other person didn’t feel capable, and wouldn’t even attempt it.
  • Being told “you will continue to attend a low-quality, unprofessional, abusive institution that I call Low Rent Polytechnic, at which I had already had a very negative experience (described in another of my answers). Including signing up for remedial courses that I didn’t need, wouldn’t benefit from, surrounded by morons, while running up a huge loan. Just because said polytechnic was desperate for students who were actually capable of passing academically. (I headed straight to a far better institution).
  • Being told that I didn’t have the right to resist (or even complain about) open, physically threatening sexual harassment, which occurred at the aforementioned polytechnic.
  • Being told that I “have to” own and watch a television, merely because somebody else can’t think of any other leisure activities.
  • Having an acquaintance dictate what kind of clothing I am allowed to wear.
  • Personal space invasions, including physical touching without my consent, by people I barely know.
  • Generally being married or partnered, including claims that I “have to”do so, even if it isn’t with the person disrespecting my consent.
  • Having children that I don’t want, and cannot afford to support.
  • Being told to completely remove myself from society, merely because some acquaintance has a massive envy problem.
  • Being told to kill myself, merely because some acquaintance has a massive envy problem. And that wasn’t just one person who did that.
  • Having an acquaintance dictate what kind of medical care I may access, involving my body and my money.

Numerous people seriously expected me to slavishly comply with those bizarre, abusive demands. I’ve had people make demands that would have obviously had disastrous consequences if I had obeyed, with zero chance of benefit to anyone. Things that weren’t at all compatible with real-world adult functioning. All the way to things that were physically impossible. I’ve had people make some of those demands in the first conversation upon meeting.

Some people lock onto a demand, and just keep repeating it over and over and over. With escalating condescension, indignation, and agitation. Thinking that, they will wear you down, and exhaust your supply of “no”, until just cave in to get the argument to stop. Some will directly tell you that they intend to relentlessly pester you on and on until you comply.

Disrespect of consent can extend to every area of life, where you are making your own choices. Many, many people have absolutely no limit to their senses of entitlement to make demands and coerce others.

It isn’t just one type of person, or one type of demand, or one type of context. It’s absolutely pervasive. And they will never, ever learn to respect your boundaries or consent, regardless of what you say or do. Which is the problem with the “cup of tea” video, and similar approaches.

Have you ever heard the two big rules for training a dog not to do some bad behaviour? You need to impose the punishment the first time, and every time. The same principle applies to most humans. If you ever cave into a coercive event (e.g. continuing to demand sex after you have said “no”), he will learn that coercion works. And he will continue, and will escalate.

By remaining in the relationship, and arguing, and fantasising about helping him to “understand consent”, you are failing to impose any real consequences, or enforce any real boundaries. The more crap you tolerate, the more crap you will receive. He interprets you staying and engaging his crap as confirming that you can’t ever leave. He interprets each argument as making progress towards his goal. Or as you failing to face the inevitability of doing what he demands. And he thinks that, it is just a matter of time before you cave in, and lose the will, or even the ability, to ever say “no” to him again.

Black-and-white thinkers require black-and-white solutions. The only workable solution is to just physically get away from the person. Refuse all further contact. Any communication will revolve around trying to get you involved again, so he can abuse you some more, and repeat his demands.

The best case scenario with dumping him is a sense of great relief, and the perspective to see how bad he is, and the empowerment of asserting your right to boundaries and consent. The worst case scenario with dumping him is that you will be single while looking for a replacement who respects you, and who is already a decent adult without needing to be taught.

The best case scenario with staying is more conflict, arguments, and disrespect, until you get so sick and tired that you then dump him. The worst case scenario with staying is a devastating act of violence which will seriously harm you for the rest of your life. Many, many women have been raped, beaten, and/or killed by guys with this attitude. And neither you nor he are special or exempt from that possibility.

What if a Quoran has a crush on you?

Answered Jan 6, 2019

I would tell them to take a number, and get in line.

I follow the subject of crushes, generally, here on Quora. So I know that, a crush can happen at any time, towards anyone.

Also, the person with the crush will interpret any attention (or even vague possibility of attention) as validating the crush.

She is a random neighbour/classmate/coworker/acquaintance/waitress, and she looked in your direction? Crush-Validation.

It’s that same way here on Quora.

That “Notifications” tab lights up, telling me that, another Quoran is now following me? They obviously have a crush on me.

Somebody posts a Comment to one of my answers here? They obviously have a crush on me.

Somebody posts a Comment to one of my answers here, and tells me that I am FOS, and don’t know what I am talking about? That is just them feeling confused, and rebelling against their crush.

Somebody Upvotes one of my posts? That indicates an obvious crush.

Somebody clicks through to my Quora profile, and then clicks through to my personal blog? There’s a crush right there.

So many, many Quorans have crushes on me.

Can I use “fairness”? And either select the best crusher, or just reject them all equally?

There are so, soooooo many Quorans with crushes on me. I feel rather guilty, like they think I am leading them on, with each one of my posts.

Like many thousands of others, my Quora crush is on Frances Meredith. And I know that someday, she will reciprocate. Because she once Upvoted a Comment that I made to one of her posts. Because that’s how crushes work.

Why is there a disproportionate number of angry, aggressive lesbians?

Answered Jan 1, 2019

I think it’s economic. Both literally/financially, and also metaphorically/sexually.

One of the worst influences on girls and young women is the social message that, being female makes employment and financial responsibility optional. Don’t feel like working? Society will promise you a boyfriend or husband who has been trained to pay for your attention/presence.

Many many girls grow up with that adult model. They see their mother enjoying a nice, middle class life, without having to maintain a job.

This message leads to a massive sense of entitlement for many, many women.

Then, they become young adults, and figure out that they don’t find those breadwinning men to be attractive, or even acceptable.

Their desired sex partner pool is other women, who also feel entitled to avoid employment or financial responsibility. And who certainly haven’t been trained to pay a partner just to exist.

Those angry lesbians are partly motivated by a desperate sense of victimisation, merely because of the basic adult responsibility to work and support themselves.

This is obvious when you meet lesbians, and the first priority is to confirm that you are at the bottom-of-the-barrel financially. You had better be stuck at a minimum wage, 40 hours per week, no-skill, no-status job, living paycheque-to-paycheque.

Although, to be fair, this is the pervasive attitude among straight women, as well.

The second angle is about supply and demand, which has two sub-issues.

Homosexual women – especially single, available, attractive, sane, functioning adult homosexual women – are a tiny minority. And the really immature, entitled types look around at all of those masses of conventionally attractive, conventionally feminine women who are straight, and totally not available. And they feel frustrated and victimised.

The LGBTWhatever so-called “community” is very small in most places, and very clique-ish, and very competitive. Which leads to a scarcity mentality, where people get desperate, and frightened of never finding a partner.

The other sub-issue is about approaching vs. accepting/rejecting. Girls are trained to view sexual relationships as a deal where a woman puts herself on display, and then a man approaches/propositions, and then the women decides yes or no. This leads to tension, fear, and frustration among women, since nobody has been trained to approach and risk rejection.

A third angle is that, some lesbians feel absolutely miserable about being female. And blame this simple physical state for all of their social and personal dissatisfaction in life.

Lastly, there is the general principle that, regardless of orientation, romance, friendship, social, educational, or work contexts, most women basically hate each other.

Why do people stay in unhealthy or abusive relationships?

Answered Dec 25, 2018

I want to emphasise that, all of these principles apply not only to abusive sexual relationshits, but also to abusive platonic friendshits, and abusive family-of-origin relationshits.

In no particular order:

  • Some people’s childhood/adolescent periods were filled with relentless physical and/or psychological abuse. This primes them to tolerate abuse when they become adults. They don’t have a model of being treated decently, and have developed very low standards. People who don’t have such backgrounds are totally clueless about the impact (or even the existence) of childhood abuse, and may aggravate the problem with their judgmental, victim-blaming attitudes.
  • When you are too open socially, and have poor filtering mechanisms (which can be based on poorly-filtered environments), the abuse may continue, as an adult, into even superficial social situations. Thus damaging your mindset even further. As you are told over and over and over that you deserve hostility. In my experience, low-income environments, and female-dominated (or worse, all-female) environments are saturated with relentless, mass negativity/hostility.
  • Loneliness. A person might feel that, an abusive relationshit, or platonic friendshit, is better than none at all.
  • The bad individual (or just the situation with the bad individual) repels any good individuals in the target/victim’s life. This increases loneliness, and also deprives you of any healthy, sane “voice of reason” objectively observing and pointing out how bad the abuse(r) is.
  • The boiling frog principle. The idea is, if you put a frog into water that is already boiling, it will immediately jump out. But, if you put the frog into room-temperature water, and turn the heat up very slowly, the frog won’t notice, until it is too late. Abusers often start out nice and friendly, and turn the abuse level up gradually.
  • Financial dependence. Although the husband or boyfriend beats you occasionally, he also pays the rent. Although I have certainly seen abusers who expected the victim to financially support them. Including in a strictly platonic friendshit.

Two more principles are based on unrealistic optimism:

  • The desire to help the abuser. After being previously abused and judged, you might feel the need to prove that you are a decent, good person. And one way to prove that, is by helping people. Devoting your time/effort/resources to improving someone else’s life. Society plays a lot of “lip-service” to the idea that, helping others is a sign being a good person. Abusers often have very bad practical situations, down to such basic things as being unemployable, or unable to keep a roof over their own head. Some may be experiencing serious consequences of substance abuse. And so you feel sorry for them, and stick around, taking escalating abuse, as you desperately try to get your “help” to work. With the fear of how badly the poor little abuser will suffer if you abandon her. (Don’t worry – she will just move on to the next chump, by starting out very friendly at first.) Abusers love to use your own empathy and desire to be a good person as a weapon against you.
  • The hope that, if you just explain things clearly and simply enough, and if you do so enough times, she will finally listen and comprehend. Like when you try to explain actions leading to consequences. Or if you try to explain limits and boundaries. Or if you directly say, “If you keep doing this abusive behaviour, you will eventually reach the limit of my tolerance. And I will abandon you completely, with zero further chances. And you will get nothing from me, ever again.” You stick around because you are waiting for them to finally pull their head out of their rectum.

Both of these last two are based on two very misguided ideas, which had severe negative impacts on me when I was much younger, and much more tolerant:

  • Projection of rationality.
  • The belief/expectation that people were prepared to use that rationality to change their behaviour patterns.

Abusers (including “friendshit” abusers) thoroughly cured me of those two delusions.

I only tolerated a relatively small series of abusers for periods of weeks or months each, and was finished by age 26. Some people have a much longer series of abusers. Or they lock onto one, and stick around for years, decades, or even their whole lives.

What are the early signs of an abusive relationship?

Answered Dec 25, 2018

A couple of signs appeared very early.

First, asking sexual questions before any agreement to any sexual involvement. As in, “Do you enjoy (certain type of sex act)?”

I thought the question was kind of excessive at the time. But I stupidly glossed over it, not realising that, the idiot’s entire concept of socialising and meeting new people revolved around finding people to use for sex (and certain related fixations). And they assumed that, everyone else socialises for the sole purpose of being used.

It also later turned out that, the idiot was obsessed with said sex act, assumed that everyone else is obsessed with it, and didn’t comprehend the concept of consent.

The red flag escalated to getting physical very rapidly after meeting. I stupidly went along with this. I think I didn’t quite understand that, the idiot would just make advances at anyone and everyone who had certain characteristics (which I won’t go into here). And didn’t see people as individuals, and didn’t want to get to know them as such.

The second red flag was micromanaging.

It started with my hair, and telling me that, a certain other hairstyle would be preferable to the one I had. I refused, because it’s my hair, and I am the only person with authority to decide how I get it cut.

The idiot had the idea that pestering and pestering and pestering, and criticizing and criticizing and criticizing would coerce me into getting the demanded hairstyle, just to get the conflict to stop.

The micromanaging then moved on to my clothing. With demands to hypersexualise, and put myself on public display. The idiot insisted that, jeans, t-shirt, and comfortable shoes constituted a bizarre, freaky-looking outfit, that would make strangers stare at me on the street. I refused, because it is my clothing, and I am the only authority in choosing it.

I eventually just said, “If my clothing bothers you so much, just don’t call me anymore. Then, I won’t come over to your home, and won’t pollute your space or visual field with my allegedly inadequate/inappropriate clothing.” This didn’t work, and the idiot continued with a fantasy that, maybe this time, I would finally show up with the demanded clothing/shoes/hairstyle.

The micromanaging escalated further and further, piling on detail after detail after detail. Including physical flesh-and-blood body features. Towards the end, the idiot seriously demanded that I “must” find a way to grow larger breasts, and did escalating anger and silent-treatment over it.

After five months of escalation, demands, arguments, attempts to drag me into their fantasy world, the idiot directly stated the intent to sexually assault me, by forceably doing the originally mentioned sex act. Knowing very clearly that I didn’t consent (because I had just that minute said directly that I would never consent, for about the fiftieth time).

The idiot had believed right from the beginning that, I was “the one” who could be totally micromanaged, and relentlessly pestered/criticized into becoming some kind of idealised fetish object. And that, I would just eventually break down, and lose the ability to ever say “no” to anything.

The idiot was surprised that I terminated the relationshit right then and there, to prevent the impending assault. And insisted that, I was the dysfunctional one.

I try to forgive myself, since I was fairly young at the time. And was still assuming a certain level of rationality from average people. I now understand that, sex is a major focal point of utterly delusional senses of entitlement for the vast majority of the population. (The other focal point being money.)

A last thing that comes to mind was that age issue, with the idiot being significantly older (42 vs. 25). Although much later in life I had a genuine attraction to a much younger person, I was decent enough, and realistic enough to understand that it was inappropriate. Many, many older people are quite eager to exploit younger people, due to lacking that decency or realism.

Do some women and men choose to be lesbian or gay? If so, why?

Answered Nov 25

This question or debate is often misguided on both sides.

It is based on the general idea that, something is legitimate if it is forced upon you. And isn’t legitimate if you made a choice.

Examples:

If a 40-year-old woman doesn’t have any children, it is much more socially acceptable for her to be “suffering” from infertility, compared to being childfree by choice.

There is strong social pressure for an adult woman to psychologically cling to her mother, regardless of how toxic and abusive, and to surrender to a sense of a forced relationship. If she chooses to cut the umbilical cord, she will be socially abused.

There is a common assumption that, a person is somehow assigned to a geographic location as a child, and that, they “have to” live there for their entire life. There will be social condescension (and even open hostility) if she asserts her right/ability to choose her location as an adult. Especially if she reserves the right to do so again in the future.

Women who feel trapped and restricted in a financially/practically/emotionally dependent marriage will resent a single woman makes her own choices without needing to ask a husband.

Someone who feels trapped in a job may claim that, someone who chooses to put forth extra effort and progresses to a better job is “unstable”.

Religious people may enjoy the idea of a fixed set of rules that everyone “must” obey, because their God is about universal “thou shalt not”, rather than giving individual choices.

Some people resent their own physical bodies, but feel trapped, and will deride/resent anyone who chooses to take the effort for physical self-control.

There are various LifeScript(TM) issues, where many many people assume, “this is how everyone’s life is arranged and proceeds”. They will become confused and derisive towards someone who chooses to diverge from that script.

There is social pressure to “settle down”. Which means to bring your life story to a complete halt, and never make any personal choices ever again.

So, the application to LGBTQWhatever folks is the idea that, such designations are legitimised if the person was forced into it by biology (the “born that way” argument). And that, social tolerance/acceptance is owed to these passive victims. While ignoring the fact that, engaging in physical homosexual acts is a choice.

It feeds into the general idea that, being forced into something is legitimate, and should be tolerated, while making your own choices isn’t legitimate, and perhaps should be punished or suppressed.

And let’s not forget the way that, some of the Ls and Gs get negative attitudes towards the Bs and Ts for allegedly having choices, and thus being less legitimate.

If your girlfriend hits you, should she be given a second chance?

Answered Oct 26

No, absolutely not.

It doesn’t matter if the perpetrator is a guy or a girl, or if you are a guy or a girl, or any combination.

A second chance is seen by you as, a chance for them to pull their head of out their rectum, and change their behaviour and attitudes.

A second chance as seen by them as, an invitation to do the same bad behaviour again. And again, and again, with infinite chances.

They hit you once, they will hit again.

If you stay, they will learn that there aren’t any kind of negative consequences to their bad behaviour.

They are doing physical bad behaviour, and need a physical solution. I don’t mean physically hitting back. I mean physically removing yourself from hitting range, and physically terminating access to you. Don’t even talk with them on the phone.

Actually, they won’t really learn, anyway. Because they will be moving on to the next target, and will hit that person, too.

Will abuse continue in every relationships the abuser enters into?

Answered Oct 24

Yes. They are abusers. It’s what they do. It’s who they are.

They abused someone before getting involved with you? They will abuse you.

There is nothing so special about you that it will change an abuser into a nice person.

They abused you, and then moved on to another partner? They will abuse that person.

There is nothing so special about the next person that it will change the abuser into a nice person.

Sure, there may be a temporary period of acting nice to lure you in, or to lure in the next victim. But that is all a game, just to manipulate you/them into getting emotionally invested.

Then, the abuser shows her/his true colours. Which stay true with each and every partner they will ever have.

Once an abuser, always an abuser.

What did it take for you to finally leave an abusive relationship?

Answered Oct 24

Real conversation:

Me: “We have had these arguments over and over and over. I do not consent to anything being stuck up my anus. I will never consent to anything being stuck up my anus.”

Idiot: (With stone-cold personality-disordered expression) “It’s going to happen”.

Me: “You need to decide if you can be happy in a relationship where that does not happen, because, if you can’t, then the relationship is over right now”.

Idiot: “Whine! Whine! Whine! Oh gawd, I am a victim of you and your hangups! Whine! Whine! Whine!”

Me: “The relationship is now terminated”.

So, at that age and point in life, the breaking point was the idiot directly stating the intent to sexually assault me. The whole “relationshit” was about five months of gradually escalating conflict up to then.

An important point was the choice of words: “It’s going to happen”, as if a violent sexual assault was an event that just inevitably “happens” without either party having any control, or any responsibility.

I really should have bailed out before that, due to the person’s generally obnoxious, negative, controlling attitude. In retrospect, the red flags were there right from the beginning.

On the bright side, that situation helped to cure my expectations of rationality in other people. Sexual relationships are a major focal point of their senses of entitlement, and belief that they can do any bad behaviour they want, without any negative consequences. Many people seriously believe that, a sexual relationship (or even a platonic “friendshit”) is literally a license to commit ongoing acts of violent crime.

This is also important for anyone evaluating prospective partners. Vital points include evaluating their senses of entitlement, and also looking for any fixations on particular sex acts, fetishes, etc. Because they will never stop pushing those fixations onto you.

The anal obsession seems to be quite common, and they will keep it up for weeks, months, and even years, making the relationship into one long argument about it. When they get sufficiently frustrated and tired of arguing, there is a high risk of physical violence.

Regardless of the particular form of abuse, as long as the relationship is going on, the abuser simply cannot grasp that the target has the right or ability to leave. This includes situations where the target is not in any way financially or materially dependent on the abuser, and can even be a situation where the abuser is dependent.

After you terminate the relationship, you should cut off all contact with the abuser. Because any conversation will be all about trying to manipulate you into getting re-involved.

When I scan over local and national news headlines, and see something like, “Woman found dead in her home, stabbed fifty times”, my first guess is that the perpetrator was someone known to the victim, and most likely an estranged spouse or partner.

Is there really someone for everybody?

Updated Oct 23

This is an incredibly common, but dishonest and toxic fantasy.

It is a condescending approach to say this to someone. That can be, “I’m saying a nice, rose-coloured lie, and you owe me gratitude”. Or it could be a way to justify lack of empathy for a lonely person. Or it could be a deflection when rejecting someone.

There are a couple possible meanings of “someone for everybody”:

  1. The idea of a god or similar all-powerful planning force which decides on specific pairing of people, and includes all humans being assigned their own particular “The One”. Or perhaps, all humans being assigned a pool of people who could each function similarly to “The One”. And that god or planning force also decided that, everybody is guaranteed to eventually meet their particular “The One”. The simple way for this to be false, is that, there isn’t any such god or planning force.
  2. Statistics, with the idea that, out of 7.5 billion humans, there is at least one workable pairing for each person, simultaneously, and that you will eventually meet such a person. However, those 7.5 billion people include many, many who are hopelessly incompatible with you, or are already paired to someone else, or who are totally inaccessible to you. It is impossible to meet and sort through all 7.5 billion people, with the amount of time and resources you have.

Another issue is that, many people have personal characteristics that would prevent any reasonable romantic pairing (either as the one doing the seeking, or as “The One” being sought):

  • They are a terminally ill child, who will die before reaching an appropriate age.
  • They are severely disabled, mentally and/or physically, to the extent that they cannot consent.
  • They are in a third-world country, and are preoccupied with starvation, diseases, warfare, slavery, etc.
  • They have requirements and expectations that are so severely asymmetric that their concept of “The One” is someone who is, practically, “out of their league”.
  • They have requirements and expectations that will always prevent them from being satisfied with any real person as a partner.
  • They have intractable attitudes and behaviours for a concept of a relationship which are always totally abusive to the other party.
  • They are already married/partnered to someone they don’t even like, but will never leave.
  • They died in a random accident last week.
  • They may be a nice person, but are shy and socially awkward to the point of never even making friends.
  • Whether you enjoy admitting it or not, some people have physical appearance issues (whether medical or just aesthetic) which preclude attraction. While they might get used by an extremely desperate and/or fetishistic partner, that isn’t going to be a good relationship.