Category: Relationships & Sex

Answered Oct 26

No, absolutely not.

It doesn’t matter if the perpetrator is a guy or a girl, or if you are a guy or a girl, or any combination.

A second chance is seen by you as, a chance for them to pull their head of out their rectum, and change their behaviour and attitudes.

A second chance as seen by them as, an invitation to do the same bad behaviour again. And again, and again, with infinite chances.

They hit you once, they will hit again.

If you stay, they will learn that there aren’t any kind of negative consequences to their bad behaviour.

They are doing physical bad behaviour, and need a physical solution. I don’t mean physically hitting back. I mean physically removing yourself from hitting range, and physically terminating access to you. Don’t even talk with them on the phone.

Actually, they won’t really learn, anyway. Because they will be moving on to the next target, and will hit that person, too.

Updated Oct 23

This is an incredibly common, but dishonest and toxic fantasy.

It is a condescending approach to say this to someone. That can be, “I’m saying a nice, rose-coloured lie, and you owe me gratitude”. Or it could be a way to justify lack of empathy for a lonely person. Or it could be a deflection when rejecting someone.

There are a couple possible meanings of “someone for everybody”:

1. The idea of a god or similar all-powerful planning force which decides on specific pairing of people, and includes all humans being assigned their own particular “The One”. Or perhaps, all humans being assigned a pool of people who could each function similarly to “The One”. And that god or planning force also decided that, everybody is guaranteed to eventually meet their particular “The One”. The simple way for this to be false, is that, there isn’t any such god or planning force.
2. Statistics, with the idea that, out of 7.5 billion humans, there is at least one workable pairing for each person, simultaneously, and that you will eventually meet such a person. However, those 7.5 billion people include many, many who are hopelessly incompatible with you, or are already paired to someone else, or who are totally inaccessible to you. It is impossible to meet and sort through all 7.5 billion people, with the amount of time and resources you have.

Another issue is that, many people have personal characteristics that would prevent any reasonable romantic pairing (either as the one doing the seeking, or as “The One” being sought):

• They are a terminally ill child, who will die before reaching an appropriate age.
• They are severely disabled, mentally and/or physically, to the extent that they cannot consent.
• They are in a third-world country, and are preoccupied with starvation, diseases, warfare, slavery, etc.
• They have requirements and expectations that are so severely asymmetric that their concept of “The One” is someone who is, practically, “out of their league”.
• They have requirements and expectations that will always prevent them from being satisfied with any real person as a partner.
• They have intractable attitudes and behaviours for a concept of a relationship which are always totally abusive to the other party.
• They are already married/partnered to someone they don’t even like, but will never leave.
• They died in a random accident last week.
• They may be a nice person, but are shy and socially awkward to the point of never even making friends.
• Whether you enjoy admitting it or not, some people have physical appearance issues (whether medical or just aesthetic) which preclude attraction. While they might get used by an extremely desperate and/or fetishistic partner, that isn’t going to be a good relationship.

Updated Sep 18

Some people may say Option B, with the motivation of “virtue signalling”, to show how self-sacrificing and generous they are. But I have a different motivation.

For the past ten years, I have been enduring a constant, living nightmare.

I can’t trust anyone, and anytime I try to make friends, it turns out that their ulterior motive is to have passionate sex with me.

Extremely attractive people have dumped their long-time spouses and partners, in attempts to be available for passionate sex with me instead.

People have purchased full-page advertisements in the New York Times, with extremely attractive photos and descriptions of themselves, publicly offering me passionate sex.

There are a number of weekly podcasts and YouTube channels in which extremely attractive people stare into the camera, rambling on about how much they want to have passionate sex with me.

Two extremely attractive people have hired airplanes – one trailing a large banner, and the other skywriting – offering me passionate sex.

I have fan clubs in over 35 countries, consisting of extremely attractive people who dream of meeting me for passionate sex, and have posters of me on their bedroom walls. Whatever they do at night, in their bedrooms, staring at those posters, I have zero clue.

There are online “incel” discussion forums devoted to misogynistic, hateful posts about their seething envy of me, due the amount of attractive potential sex partners available to me.

People who were not only extremely attractive physically, but also fabulously wealthy have invited me stay at their mansions, or to accompany them on expensive, romantic vacations.

My email and voicemail are filled with communications from extremely attractive people asking me on dates that they hope will culminate in passionate sex.

My snailmail box receives sincere, charming, handwritten letters from extremely attractive people professing their love, in the hope that I will reciprocate and have passionate sex with them. Many of these letters have traces of the crying authors’ tears that fell as they were writing.

I order at a fast food restaurant, and the extremely attractive burger-flipper says, “Would you like some passionate sex with that?”

Whenever I even leave this apartment, I must jostle through a crowd of extremely attractive people, who gather outside my door, hoping to offer me passionate sex. Some of them camp out overnight, as if they were waiting to buy the latest mobile phone or something. Others have travelled hundreds of kilometres to get here.

It’s relentless.

So, if saving the 10,000 terminally ill children will finally bring an end to the constant barrage of sexual attention, then that sounds like a great option to choose.

Updated Aug 20

Yes, it does matter, from both ends of the scale.

A lot of people seem to fixate on virgins. With an over-confident idea of being special, and introducing some innocent young person to sexuality.

A problem there is that, there is a lifetime of social buildup, and being told how wonderful sex is, and how wonderful your first time will be. The virgin may be so eager to get some experience, and see what all the fuss is about, and feel like a real grownup, etc. And then, the actual experience can be rather disappointing.

It can be disappointing because it was actually bad sex, with a partner who was incompatible and/or inconsiderate, etc. There are people out there (both men and women) who think they are cool for exploiting inexperienced young people.

It can also be disappointing just because it didn’t match all the social hype around it.

So, if you are somebody’s first partner, there is a risk that they are going to think, “There must be something/someone better out there”.

If you are a considerate and empathetic person, it can also be kind of stressful to be someone’s first partner, because you may be thinking, “OMG, I want to make this nice for them, and am terrified of traumatising them”. I’ve been on that side of it, too.

The other end of the scale is a lot like a job application.

If someone has had many different jobs over a relatively short period of time, that is a red-flag for employers. You could try to spin it as having a range of experience. But it can also indicate a pattern of bad behaviour, like getting fired, or quitting easily.

If someone is just looking for a casual fling, then a partner’s high “body count” might not be a problem, and might seem like a good, low-investment-then-move-on prospect.

If someone is looking to invest large amounts of time/attention/opportunity-cost into a long-term relationship, then they are going to be like a prospective employer suspicious of why you keep getting fired.

A large number of partners over time suggests that you jump into bed with people very easily. You might have low standards. Or you might do a lot of cheating. If you don’t seem to care which random people you sleep with, that suggests that you also don’t care about their mental or physical well-being. You might be compulsively and arrogantly using people. You might be a serious disease risk.

A large number of partners may indicate a more general lack of self-control, lack of emotional investment, and lack of thinking before doing things that have an emotional or physical impact on another person.

Updated Sep 25

Unfortunately, I have experience with this. I try to forgive myself for tolerating it even as long as I did, because I was much younger at the time.

There wasn’t any official diagnosis (that I know of) for the individual, but the attitudes and behaviours match the usual descriptions for Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder.

Here is what you can look forward to, if you make the mistake of getting sexually involved with such a person:

1. Constant, relentless criticism of your appearance and attractiveness level. You will be treated like the most physically defective person who ever lived, with detail after detail after detail incessantly picked at. And you will be accused of deliberately choosing to be physically defective, as part of your alleged mission to make them suffer, and to deprive them of the perfect partner to which they are entitled.
2. Micromanaging of appearance. Like being pestered and pestered and pestered to a get a certain hairstyle, or to wear certain kinds of clothes. Including demands for you to hypersexualise your appearance.
3. Accusations of you deliberately abusing them if you fail to automatically comply with their micromanaging. And they will come up with new things that they haven’t mentioned before. There was an incident when the person got seriously agitated, victimised, and angry, because I arrived wearing the “wrong” colour shirt. Which was viewed as a deliberate effort by me to insult the person. Shirt colour had never been mentioned before, but it was just assumed that I (and everyone else on the planet) was thinking on the same disordered level.
4. Hearing complaints and criticism of other people. Including alleged physical or other appearance defects. Like a self-pitying, victimised story about how some previous sex partner had once purchased the “wrong” colour socks, with an assumption that you will agree about how horrible that was. This isn’t an exaggeration – the… “wrong”… colour… socks.
5. Hearing complaints and criticism and nit-picking, petty little grudges over issues that happened four girlfriends ago.
6. Being told that, when you walk down the street, you are drawing the attention of random strangers, and creating a public spectacle of yourself, with your defective appearance. Because everybody on the planet is assumed to share in the delusions and fixations.
7. The appearance micromanaging includes not only clothing, but also details of your physical body. You will be told that, everyone you meet is going to stare at some alleged defect on your face or body, and will form negative opinions of you. This can escalate to pressuring you to go to a plastic surgeon to have the alleged defects fixed.
8. If you have some good physical feature, there may be demands for you to provide instructions so that some other acquaintance of theirs can alter their appearance to have that feature. With the insistant belief that people can control things like the size of their breasts or buttocks, on command, with simple instructions. And what a horrible person you are for withholding those instructions, thereby being responsible for some other person’s physical defects.
9. Being ordered to form negative opinions of random people who have previously rejected or dumped the person.
10. Refusal to consider issues of appropriateness or compatibility in pursuing someone. This includes things like large age differences, massive differences of personal values and future aspirations, etc.
11. Constant demands for attention. They expect you to just sit at home, staring at the telephone, waiting for their call. Because you can’t possibly have any other things going on in your life. You may be treated like you did something aggressive, just because they got the voicemail when they called. You couldn’t possibly have any legitimate reason to be speaking with anyone else on the phone.
12. Constant efforts to isolate you, and pull you into their little world. They don’t want you comparing notes with their other friends or sex partners (past or present).
13. Constant obsessions with sexually fetishising you and other people. The sun rises and sets on their fetishes.
14. Severe over-estimation of how good they are in bed. Also focus on aggressive style, and sneering contempt for gentleness or affection. If you just want to cuddle, they may call you a “prick-tease”.
15. Very grabby sexuality, making advances at practically anyone who gets within grabbing range. Promiscuity with serious refusal to be responsible about disease risks. They may feel entitled to multiple concurrent partners, without even telling you how many. While also asserting the right to dictate whether you are “allowed” any outside partners. They may feel entitled to have some kind of on-demand harem that revolves around them, and you are supposed to feel happy with getting used as a booty-call.
16. Refusal to respect former partners moving on with their lives. Either just cultivating happiness, or getting into a healthier relationship with someone who isn’t so disordered.
17. They will demand that you behave in an abusive manner towards third parties, in an effort to promote their delusions and compulsions. And you are an abuser if you refuse to do so.
18. They can’t handle waiting for things, and their demands have the tone of a severe emergency.
19. They can’t handle being told “no”. About anything. They will attempt coercion, up to and including a violent criminal act against you. Because they only understand that their compulsions must be acted out. With total lack of empathy or anticipation of any other consequences beyond getting what they feel entitled to.
20. There is absolutely no limit to the pettiness, negativity, and sense of entitlement. They have zero capacity to see themselves as the source of the problem. And zero capacity to see your perspective.

In my experience, the person was obsessed with wanting to stick objects where they don’t belong, and, on the final day, directly stated the intent to sexually assault me. And then acted victimised when I immediately terminated the “relationship”, in order to prevent said assault from occurring. And took a whiny little attitude, accusing me of being dysfunctional and refusing to have an enjoyable time. This person could only see their own compulsion, and consent was meaningless to them.

Regardless of any official diagnosis or head-pshrinking, it is critically important to look for the micromanaging red-flags.

All drama, all the time. Exhausting, and you will always be accused of being the abuser.

These people don’t just do annoying drama. They can be very dangerous.

Fortunately, I bailed out of that disaster within a matter of a few months. And would bail much faster if I encountered someone like that, at this later point in life. Some people tolerate that kind of abuse for years and years.

Updated Aug 9

I don’t have anyone to ask, so here is what comes to my own mind, in no particular order:

1. I’ve been single for a long time, and am accustomed to it as my normal mode of living.
2. Similar to the preceding item, I am of an age with a certain accumulation of life experiences. And those wouldn’t have been shared with the other person. And, if they were of a similar age, their accumulated experiences wouldn’t have been shared with me.
3. Bad past experiences in this area resulted in being highly suspicious and cynical about ulterior motives, lying, etc.
4. I have commitment phobia. This isn’t about being faithful to one person. In a “love” relationship, I would absolutely want to be monogamous. But I don’t like the idea of a relationship feeling like a more general life burden, feeling handcuffed, or making life smaller.
5. I would possibly oscillate between moods of loss-for-words silence, and moods of being verbose and intensely communicative.
6. The preceding item could also seem like oscillating between moods of disengagement and moods of excessive affection.
7. I would have a reflex of trying to scare the person away.
8. I would be inclined to think, “This is too good to be true”.
9. I would be inclined to think, “What does this person see in me? Are they delusional? Are we headed for disappointment when they get to know me better?”
10. At times, I can be boring, lazy, and of impaired reliability.
11. I am sometimes hesitant and doing analysis paralysis over life decisions.
12. Any “love” situation can be strongly impacted by differences in age, career trajectory. geography, etc.
13. I have a different attitude towards things like material possessions and geographic mobility, compared to many people.
14. Through the magic of the internet, hordes of people believe that they are “in love” with a very narrow and restricted view of someone they have never met in person. I don’t like the idea of doing that, and also don’t like the idea having such a horde thinking they “love” me. Unless they sent me money or packets of instant noodles or something.
15. I haven’t always had a particularly healthy lifestyle, and that tendency might be felt negatively by the other person.
16. Some personal qualities and experiences might give a sense of being able to relate to each other. Which could include having dealt with adversity. But that could also make the relationship about combining negative things. Or about mutually struggling with internal conflicts.
17. I have a chronic tendency to make everything too complicated.
18. I can imagine feeling very guilty. Like I wasn’t being an attentive enough partner. Or was distracting the person from better possible partners.
19. I’m not sure that I’ve ever been in a real “love” situation. If so, it was with exactly one person, and that situation eventually (inevitably) kind of imploded. Although we are still friends.
20. I would view the whole “love” idea as a source of worrying and distraction from other important things.

In summation, I would be intolerable.