How did being poor effect your friendships?

Answered Feb 6, 2020

Being poor often means being in poor environments, surrounded by other poor people.

There is a huge division between the working poor, and the non-working poor.

These environments have some decent, hard-working, civilised, functioning adults with realistic views of life, who just happen to have low income and assets. They may be very guarded, with low time and availability.

However, these environments are largely filled with scummy, unemployable, out-of-control, overgrown toddlers who are trying to leach off of, and prey upon members of the previous group. They have very high amounts of time and energy for this. And are highly available for new “friendships” (or for implications of romantic “love”).

When you are in the first group, the mere fact of being employed puts a big concentric-circles target on you. No matter how low your paycheque, bank balance, or possessions. The parasites tend to fantasise that you “really” have a limitless amount of resources. And they will do anything to extract those resources.

When you are struggling to work for your basic shelter, food, etc necessities, they will expect you to cough up the cash for them to buy luxuries.

If you own a car (even if it barely runs), they will treat you like their personal, on-demand, free limousine. They will call you at work, expecting you to drop everything, and come give them a ride.

Some will expect 100% total financial support. Such as living in your home, rent-free, while they trash the place and bring their homeless “friends” over. Others expect you to pay their entire rent every month on a separate apartment, buy expensive food, etc, etc.

Some have drug habits that they expect you to enable, because they are entitled to a co-dependent enabler.

Some are on welfare benefits (including disability and old-age type), on which they can survive. But they feel entitled to a luxury lifestyle, funded by you. Others don’t even have their act together to fill out a welfare application and attend an appointment. And so you will be their personal welfare agency.

They will give any sob-story they can think of. They will tell you any lie they can think of. They will be ingratiating, telling you what a great “friend” you suddenly are, very soon after meeting (as soon as the first conversation). They will engage in sexual come-ons (resentfully, and without any intention of following through).

If you try to be their friend, while setting boundaries, they will never respect those boundaries. If you persist with boundaries (e.g. “No, I don’t have any money to give you”), they will become increasingly agitated. They may become openly hateful. Some may try to steal from you. Some will escalate to physical aggression.

Some of these people are engaged in constant crime, creating risks to anyone who associates with them.

Some of them have an extremely impaired concept of actions leading to consequences (even after the consequences have happened). And extremely impaired ability to plan, to think of appropriate behaviours and solutions, or to rationally predict which actions lead to which consequences.

They may take the attitude that, there are two options. First, for you to provide enough (i.e. infinite) resources to lift them out of the gutter. Or, failing that, their recourse is to forceably drag you into the gutter with them.

They will hold you personally responsible for every “need” that they claim to have. They will also hold you personally responsible for every dissatisfaction or problem they ever had. Including dissatisfactions and problems going on for years before you met them.

They believe that you have already promised them a free, easy, zero-stress, zero-responsibility fun life. Simply because you started out being open to possible “friendship”.

They are frustrated and angry that you are maliciously impairing their access to the infinite pile of money and other resources which they see as rightfully, already theirs.

When you are working poor, you may have high exposure to these people, due to the poor environment in which they are concentrated.

These people may kill off your empathy, and incite you to become just as self-centred and uncaring as them. Except that you will be motivated by legitimate self-protection/defense.

When you are decent, civilised working poor, openness to “friendship” (or to sexual relationships) is generally very dangerous. It is vital to learn to be very closed-off, and very quick to dismiss people when you see red-flags of parasitism. This mindset can still effect you years later, even if you work your way into less impoverished/desperate environments.

An interesting point is that, some of the scumbags actually come from very coddling backgrounds. Including with indulgent middle-class parents. That is where they learned their sense of entitlement, and failure to understand real-world adult consequences.

How can I overcome my fear of defecating in a public restroom?

Answered Jan 14, 2020

I suggest being homeless for awhile.

You will lose a lot of inhibitions.

Although I will admit that, I was generally able to have single-user individual toilets to do my business.

Also, try living in high-density, crowded slum housing, with communal, multi-stall toilets. In those places, all you have is basically a public toilet, with your neighbours. Who are also in the next stall, casually dropping a deuce.

How do parents unintentionally teach their children that the child’s consent doesn’t matter, so much so they carry it into adulthood?

Answered Jan 1, 2020

The problem with this question is the word, “unintentionally”.

In reality, it is deliberate. Including the deliberate effort to have this continue into adulthood.

Also, nearly the entirety of the female half of society also refuses to respect consent by offspring vis-a-vis their mother. Yes, this a very female-biased issue.

When a parent dictates to a child, it is backed up by either physical force/violence, or the threat thereof. Consent doesn’t matter when someone is twice your size, and can beat you into submission if you resist. While society thinks that is a perfectly acceptable way of establishing compliance.

No matter how you are being treated, you don’t get to just walk out. Because society views you as the property of your parents, and you are not equipped to financially support yourself.

Then, when you are a legal adult, and self-supporting, parents still think they can dictate to you. They have become addicted to this authority, and established their sense of entitlement.

Also as a legal adult, nearly the entirety of the female half of society will treat as still being beholden to your mother.

For example, you will be told that you “have to” physically live in close proximity to mommy’s house, and physically visit her on a frequent basis. This mentality and command is pervasive among (alleged) adult women. And will be spewed at you by random women whom you have just met, and who realise that you have, at some point, geographically relocated.

Another major point of consent is whether you have any children of your own. Every woman who has had unplanned/unwanted children feels entitled to dictate that everyone must have them. Thereby recycling the disrespect for consent.

Are violent people mentally sick?

Answered Oct 24, 2019

It depends on the sex of the violent person.

If a man beats his wife, then he is automatically, 100% sane, and responsible for his actions. He is an evil thug.

If a woman beats her child, then she is automatically an innocent victim, of anything and everything. Such as being labeled mentally ill. Although that is a distant third, after denial and victim-blaming.

This extends to any and all other situations where, either a man or a woman, commits physical violence.

At what age, and how, did you come to realize your mother is abusive and different than most other mothers?

Updated Jul 24, 2019

These are two different questions/issues.

Age 11, when she directly stated that she beat all three of her children not for discipline”, but rather, because it “made (her) feel better”.

I figured out, after years of violence… “She isn’t beating me because I’m a bad person … But rather, because she is a bad person”.

Years later, when I was twenty, I learned about the massive denial, victim-blaming taboo that is endemic among women.

I naively assumed that, the average adult woman had awareness and understanding of the pervasive reality of maternal child abuse.

It was at that age that I learned that, females who didn’t experience maternal child abuse are all in a state of denial and victim-blaming. Non-survivors live in a fantasy-world. And that was a realisation almost as profound as the realisation of my mother’s abusive nature.

Those people are effectively accomplices to the abuse. And, due to their numbers and pervasiveness, cannot be jettisoned with anything near the ease that the one direct abuser was dismissed from my life when I was eighteen.

What is a tall poppy?

Updated Jul 24, 2019

A tall poppy is a person who is perceived as doing better in some way, compared to the person with the perception. It can be one-to-one comparison, or it can be a group of people targeting one person.

Tall poppy syndrome is contextual.

I have spent time in an environment where someone who just graduated with a bachelors degree is the shortest poppy in the room. And have also spent time in environments where, simply being a first-year uni student would constitute being perceived as the tall poppy.

I have spent time in a low-wage, part-time job at a university, as the lowest employee in the department (e.g. washing test tubes in a lab, etc). And have spent time in other environments with chronic non-workers who would perceive me as a tall poppy for that (or any) job. Although they didn’t quite envy the job, but rather, envied the paycheque that they imagined.

Some other mind-blowingly petty tall poppy experiences:

  • They suspect you of earning more than minimum wage, forty hours per week. Even if they know this is due to working harder.
  • You don’t smoke cigarettes (or anything else).
  • You don’t have any unplanned children.
  • You live someplace other than the town where you were born.
  • You get passing grades in an educational course.
  • You have never received money to have sex with strangers.
  • Somebody projects a fantasy that you possess resources that you actually don’t.
  • Somebody projects a fantasy that you possess situational advantages that you actually don’t.

Some people answer questions regarding tall poppy syndrome with a defensive excuse that, it is only directed towards people who act haughty, and flaunt high levels of success or resources. But that is not true at all.

Merely giving simple, polite answers to someone’s personal interrogation about the above-listed matters is enough for them to target you. Merely existing while they project the above-described fantasies is enough for them to target you.

How do pathological liars convince themselves their lies are true?

Answered Jul 10, 2019

They don’t necessarily “convince themselves their lies are true”.

The mechanism seems to be…

“I want you to do, give, or tolerate Such-And-Such-Thing, And think that a certain claim will induce to to so, if you believe it. So I will push that at you”.

It is important to note that, sometimes, the thing they want is control. Many, many people feel a lack of control over their lives. Some will desperately look for control opportunities, even those that don’t actually benefit them.

If they lie, and you believe them, then they can feel control. Even if they don’t benefit in any practical or tangible way. Some will lie to manipulate (“Oh, I love you”), including lashing out to induce you feel bad. There are actually people who will claim to hate you, when they really don’t have any opinion of you, at all.

They often have poor ability to predict whether the lie will work. Or whether lying will reduce your future willingness to believe them.

Some will do an approach of multiple different angles. Where, the first lie doesn’t work, and then they move on to the next lie (which might even contradict the first). Hoping to find the lie that you will believe.

Their perception of whether their lies are true, just isn’t on the radar. It is about saying some words, to expect a certain result. The pathology is the failure to realistically expect a connection between the words (lies) and your response/actions.

Users of stimulant drugs (cocaine, amphetamine) are notorious for constant, compulsive lying. I wonder if some non-using liars have some kind of natural brain chemistry similar to that induced by those drugs.

Can emetophobes work in healthcare?

Answered Jun 28, 2019

“Healthcare” is a wide field of job descriptions.

However, if you mean direct care of patients who are either hospitalised or in long-term-care facilities, then you will need to deal with the full range of bodily fluids.

That includes their vomit. Including you having to clean it up. Including them suddenly spraying at or on you.

It also includes suppressing your own urge to vomit. Such as during frequent close encounters with their vomit, their faeces, and their various other fluids, smells, and sights. And yes, some of it will eventually end up on your clothing, and on your bare skin.

Preferably, it also includes being kind, compassionate, and reassuring to them, in those moments when they may feel so humiliated and embarrassed.

Regardless of one’s aspirations, the hard reality is that, if you aren’t prepared to deal with disgusting bodily fluids, then you aren’t prepared to physically care for sick people.

Why do people have more children when a big family is financially not viable?

Answered Jun 28, 2018

Originally Answered: Why do poor people have many children even though they cannot afford to raise them well? · 

A few reasons, which relate to each other.

  • There is a pervasive assumption that, everyone has children. That it is just an automatic part of a standard, universal life-trajectory. This assumption is present all across the economic spectrum. I have met adult women who acted confused upon encountering a middle-aged person who simply didn’t have any kids. Lack of desire to have them, lack of a spouse/partner, lack of support systems, and lack of money just weren’t seen as meaningful factors.
  • Having children at an early age (e.g under 25) is highly conducive to being and remaining poor. The existing child impairs the parent’s (usually the mother’s) ability to work in paid employment, or to pursue higher education.
  • Peer pressure from other young people making bad reproductive choices.
  • Lack of positive role-models, such as women who were able to better their lives by not having any children early (or at all).
  • Poor people may have received low-quality education in high school, including basic sex education.
  • There may be some correlation between poverty and religion. Which may degrade sex education.
  • Assumptions of being able to rely on extended family for money, housing, food, free childcare and other resources. A related point is some cultures (e.g. pacific islanders) have a combination of high poverty rates, high reproductive rates, and willingness to cram excessive numbers of people (including multiple related families) into crowded, unhealthy housing.
  • Assumptions of being able to rely on the baby-daddy for child support payments.
  • Poverty is correlated with having unstable relationships, which may include the aforementioned baby-daddy (or multiple baby-daddies) failing to contribute financially. Thereby perpetuating the poverty for the single mother and children.
  • The unstable relationships may lead to the idea of bonding with the current partner by having a child together, despite having children from previous relationships.
  • Lack of planning and self-control is conducive to being and remaining poor. And is also conducive to having unplanned children.
  • Poverty recycles, with numerous mechanisms. Including the intelligence impact of poor nutrition, maternal smoking/drinking, etc. This may lead the poor child to grow into an adolescent or young adult with poor planning and self-control, leading to another generation of poor children.
  • Some of the answers here mention that, contraception is too expensive for poor people. However, if you cannot afford contraception, then you certainly cannot afford multiple children. It comes down to self-control.
  • Plenty of children are conceived after the parents-to-be have had a little too much alcohol, and aren’t thinking very clearly. This applies across the economic spectrum, although problematic alcohol consumption may somewhat correlate with poverty.
  • Magical thinking, and black-and-white thinking, regarding actions→consequences. The person has unprotected sex repeatedly, without any resulting pregnancy. They then conclude that the two things aren’t really connected. Or may assume themselves to be infertile.
  • Lack of anticipation of how severely a child will restrict their lives.
  • Lack of anticipation of how much a child costs to support.
  • Availability of welfare benefits. Including multi-generational welfare dependence, and social environments where such dependence is normalised.
  • Pervasive social attitudes that it is somehow oppressive (or at least politically incorrect) to openly state that people shouldn’t be having children they cannot afford.
  • The first unplanned child is generally the one with the largest life-derailing effect (e.g. inability to work or pursue education). After that line is crossed, having an additional child isn’t seen as having as much incremental effect. So there may be less motivation to avoid having additional children.

Why do some intelligent people fail to achieve their potential?

Updated Jul 20, 2019

In no particular order…

Some intelligence is simply ability to memorise. As measured by regurgitating facts on exams. And exams don’t necessarily translate into the “real world”.

Some intelligence is very focused. Such as a person who can write very fluently, but struggles with mathematics that are related to the topic.

Some intelligence is technical, while lacking interpersonal skills/aptitude.

Feeling intimidation and Impostor Syndrome. That can escalate to be deadly (and I mean that literally, and have witnessed it).

Bullying from other people (e.g. employer or supervisor or colleague who sabotages you).

Bullying includes pervasive “tall-poppy-syndrome”, which may come from everyone around the intelligent person.

Money. University funding is fairly generous where I live. But it is still limited. Funding for postgrad study, or scholarships are limited.

Low supply of highly intelligent people, but even lower demand. There are people with PhDs doing the lowest jobs (literally burger-flipping and such) to put food on the table.

Poverty. Some kid from an impoverished background may be a genius, but will be sabotaged by that. Even if they go to university, I have been acquainted with two postgrad students who separately resorted to being homeless (as in illegally camping) while studying. And there are plenty more, in many places.

Drugs (including alcohol). High intelligence may incline people to seek out “evolutionarily-novel” stimulus. I’ve witnessed this one up close and personal.

Intelligence involves questioning. Which involves embracing ambiguity and doubt. Science is all about seeking through questioning. That can lead to a paralysing doubt of one’s self.

Raising the bar. More intimidation and Impostor Syndrome.

And last but not least…

A world full of stupid people. Who feel entitled to all of the things produced/done by intelligent people. While acting with mind-boggling contempt and open hostility.